Dream Date: Spotting for Deer

I've been working on my relationship with my mother for several months now and how I do it is by being honest and true with her. It is not an easy task since we have such a painful history and I excluded her from my life, the truth of what I was doing, for almost 20 years...so there is a lot of rebuilding.

Many topics are off limits with my mom only because they cause her to spin into an anxiety attack and then go into excessive worry mode. I know all about that too because that is what happened to me and why I ended up in a mental ward. I have a lot of clarity around what happened to me now and how to prevent it from happening again....whew! Yes, today will be another good day.

I love to talk about Men with mother. She never remarried after my father left when I was 2 or 3 and she dated some while we were growing up. Mother is still very beautiful although she does not see it in herself. As a young woman she was very popular and exceptionally beautiful in a way that only women from Italy possess. Olive complexion, big dark brown eyes, a noble nose and great smile and laugh. My mother's laugh is recognized everywhere. She loves to laugh and can be very funny, although I don't know if she is always aware of her contribution to humor.

She and I are very similar and I've been fighting this fact for 43 years. Today I accept it.

She likes to go out for breakfast like I do and while she was out the other day, a former school teacher of mine, Mr. King, spotted her. He taught History, Health and Phys. Ed. I think I had him for health class in the 8th grade but I'm not sure. I do know that was around the time that Mom started dating him. She dated several of my teachers while I was in Jr. High. I didn't care but they never gave me better grades.

Mr. King was a tall, good looking solid man. I don't remember anything spectacular about him but I thought he had a kind soul. Sometimes that is enough for a man.

So Mom is out for breakfast the other day and she is looking at this man from across the room. She is checking out his jacket...she thought it was so beautiful with leather and some tweed. The way mother described it to me it sounded kinda gaudy, but it caught her attention so she was eating her oatmeal and noticing it. That's all.

It was Mr. King. He recognized her and came over to her table asking all sorts of questions about her history, her past. Didn't she graduate from Hershey High in 1956? Did she have 3 daughters, two who were twins? Didn't she live off of Nyes road? What kind of work did she find after she left the bank?

He remembered everything and mother was stunned! She had no idea who he was or how he knew these things about her. She finally asked him how he knew all this information and he told her who he was and that they dated.

Mom had no memory of it.

He picked up her check on the table and took it to the cashier and paid for her meal.

I told her that she was just picked up and she needed to pay a little bit more attention if she wanted to start dating again. Well she was flabbergasted with that idea.

"Dating!?! At my age?!? Looking like this?" Mom said.

"Yes Mom. You still got it!" I said.

"Oh, well...I just don't know...." she drifted off in the idea of dating again.

She's gotten so used to the idea of being alone forever that the thought of companionship, friendship really hasn't even entered her mind.

She also failed to recognized how deeply she made an impact on Mr. King and that sometimes he still remembered. Mr. King handled it with dignity but did not ask for her number nor continued the conversation.

Poor Mr. King. I am sorry that my mother is so heartless when it comes to feelings and human beings. It really isn't her fault. She just doesn't understand them or process them the same way.

What my mother does remember was my shop teacher who she dated. I was a bit of a revolutionariness while I was in Jr. High and High School. I was one of the first girls to take wood shop instead of home economics. I already was a great cook by the time I was 12 so I wanted to learn something new and shop was fun! I love working with tools and especially on cars....

My shop teacher, who's name I can't remember so I will call Mr. Shop, met my mom when she was working at the bank. She really liked him and they had chemistry. They dated and she remembers him as being the one that she wanted to marry. Now I don't remember that scenario but that is what she is remembering, so let her have her memories. Naturally she blames the break-up on us...my sisters and I.

Note: This is a common theme with all my mother's stories. The root of all unhappiness lies in the sole responsibility of the girls. Twins and the other one. End of story. While this is nonnegotiable, I do not take it personally. It is just her version of the story. There are so many points of view...if I wait around for us to agree we will never get along so I let it go.

Here's what she remembers so fondly of this guy and why she is mad at us for breaking them up. She said he was the one who took us out spotting for deer....when I know good and well that it wasn't my shop teacher who she's thinking of, she's thinking of some guy I remember named Donnie who chewed tobacco and spit in a can and he insisted we go spotting for deer more than once.

Spotting for deer is something you do in the backwoods of anywhere there is still wilderness and wildlife available. When you are a teenager and Mork and Mindy is on, the last place you want to be is in an old white Chevy Impalla in the mountains with some smelly guy spitting tobacco in a can using a huge spotlight to freeze the deer in the tracks. It seems rather cruel to me.

But mom thought it was a great date and loved it and blames us for breaking that relationship up.

Okay.

Guilty.

I accept the blame.

But before you condemn me Mother, consider this: If you had married the perfect shop teacher who spotted for deer and spat tobacco, would you have erected that fantastic swing set in your back yard last year? Would you still be getting on this swing with your walker by your side using your cane to push you upwards towards the sky laughing and enjoying the fresh air?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

It's okay if you're still mad at me. I can take it.

All the way down here....
L.