Door Number 2

My first choice for my man is behind Door Number One. Sadly, he doesn't feel the same way about me. You know, it is so rare when you have a connection with someone...a connection in so many areas, or so it seems... and it just isn't meant to be...well, it is kinda sad.

Like in the movies, but no happy ending. Echart Tolle says that there are no happy endings, only this moment. I have to agree. It's funny, Karen has such a violent reaction to my attachment to the man behind Door Number One, even the idea of it...especially when there is a psychic connection. I don't think she's experienced that before and since I was raised by psychics, that is what I am most attracted too...the other ways humans communciate besides through words or actions. The thoughts that connect us...the twin connection...ESP...the occult...

However, the idea of the man behind Door Number One may be better than the physical relationship since it has never been tried. He has not expressed interest in me and it is not our path. Ideas and ideals create slippery sloaps.

I accept my heartache and allow it to be.

And I am moving on to door number 2. It's funny with matters of the heart...so hard to articulate the feelings that live inside a muscle.

So for the introductions:

Everyone, this is Steve.

I met him on Craigslist.org. I know, I know..didn't I learn anything from the Naked Guy? But I didn't answer Naked Guy's personal ad, I answered an ad to be a housesitter for his house, not dinner and a walk on the beach...


Steve wrote a great ad, very honest and articulate and I read it on a whim...I hadn't been on craigslist since I went out with Paul, the duel company owner who couldn't sleep because he could hear his heart beating so loudly. I don't even know what possessed me to go looking for someone to date, but I did and I replied. He responded quickly to my response and we made plans for dinner.

He arrives on time holding a beautiful bouquet of snap dragon flowers and he kisses me within the first 10 minutes. A nice little kiss that just said..."hey, I like you!" and I was glad he did it too. I misread men a lot and I have been attracted to men who do not want a physical relationship with me so I like the acknowledgment that he finds me attractive. I like kissing and need to be kissed often (yes, just like Miss Scarlett.) He is affectionate and human touch is so lovely. It was welcomed, kind and gentle.

I must say, Steve is a MAN. I mean, he is mature but playful, articulate and a good listener and he asked so many questions about me...so interested in my life and who I am. I guess I am very non-typical of the women of South Florida.

He's 44 and been divorced for almost 3 years now and has been searching for a mate with many online dating sites and craigslist and god knows what else. I find it fascinating to hear about his search for a woman. He is older than the men I am typically interested in but I didn't tell him that...the ego is so fragile.

I did mention that I had a blog too and I offered to give him my website address but he didn't want to read it. I did ask if I could write about him and he said yes so I am not typing out of line. I thought that was kinda odd...but he calls himself a writer too so who knows....

NOTE: I have tried to bring more consciousness around my writings about strangers especially in a small community like Pompano Beach. The Starbucks team members know I write about them and they like it but I didn't ask for permission from Big Eddie and his clan to write about them and I think I pissed them off, so I am being much more respectful now. I am sorry Ed if I offended you or your large extended family especially Baby Huey.

When I replied to Steve's ad, I didn't write anything sensational, I wrote just like I do here. I don't know what other women write to respond to ads, so I was just myself and I included my phone number...he called right away. Actually, he called me 3 times yesterday and then dinner, then walking, then fooling around like teenagers and then I sent him home.

Self discipline....it is a good thing. It prevents babies and diseases and keeps the mind sane. I recommend it. Feel free to quote me on that!

What amazed me is that he arrived for the date similar to how Karen would...he had a piece of luggage with him in his car and I think if I said I wanted to get married he'd have thought about it. He didn't need a protein shake...or maybe he did when he got home, I don't know. But I didn't need one and that's all that matters to me this morning.

Marriage: Does the conventional wisdom suit who I am?

What do you think?

I encouraged Steve to keep going out with other women and that I would be leaving soon enough and that I didn't think I'd be back for several months. Once I leave Seattle, there is some traveling I'd really like to do. I am most discouraged with the gas prices right now especially if I get another VW Camper...gas guzzlers...and I'd really like to go into the desert for a little while and to NYC to visit some people and maybe make some connections with a new literary agent...but it is too hard to predict the future today...future plans are difficult to make for me until Anne is out of surgery and well on the road to recovery...and to get my health stabilized...

I like Steve. He is funny, kind, great energy and strives for peace. He vibrates on a lovely frequency which is most important to me. He really wants to be in a one person committed relationship not necessarily marriage (so he says but I don't believe him...I think he wants to get married again) but he really wants to be involved with someone with a strong connection. His marriage was together for 20 years...7 years living together and then 13 years married and divorced. Such a long time...so hard to get over those old loves. Studies show that men die so young if they are single...women save lives.

I think if Steve worked for Whole Foods or if he had citizenship to Italy or France that I'd consider marrying him and I told him so too. I mean he really did bring marriage up a couple of times during dinner and he was fast forwarding me into his future asking me how long I was going to be gone and this and that and this and that and this and that....

Slow down Mr. Steve....my pace...okay?

I've only wanted to get married once and I asked him too, in writing. It didn't work out.

See, if I married a Whole Foods Market team member then I wouldn't have to start paying $600/mo in COBRA for my extensive medical expenses starting next month and I'd get to keep my store 20% discount. All great benefits. I mean, my bills are pouring in from my hospital stay and since they doped me up so much I don't even remember seeing Dr. Sanji and his 30 second consultation with me cost $450. That was the first bill of so many more that are pouring in....

I hate dealing with insurance companies.

I hate being a stereotype....woman focusing on the practical aspect of life only...and I hate being predictable.

Steve works in finance and banking. He would be good Jewish husband, just like Jay would have been. I am certain he would be an excellent provider and lover. He works out, has a great body, has lost over 50 pounds in the last couple of years so he can understand my relationship with discovering the self in a new body...and he has beautiful hands.

Lord help me to be near a man with beautiful hands. I must admit, it is one of my most favorite body parts on a man...I know I've talked about other parts, but seriously...I can stare at a man's hands and get lost in the idea of them and what they can do...especially if the are strong and a beautiful color....I actually wrote a meditation on the hands for Karen Sevenoff and myself...to notice the beauty of a lover's hands and sit in grace while gazing at the movement, muscles, the gift of having thumbs...good stuff.

It reminds me of John Sisko.

www.siskoworks.com

John Sisko is a brilliant sculptor who I met back in the late 1980's while working at Cutter's Bay House, just north from Pike Place Market. Working there was a cash cow! John was a bartender and a sculptor and painter and I was a waitress/floor manager. He and I hit it off and became fast friends. He never expressed any other interest in me other than sharing his art and I felt so honored, privileged really, that he included me in his creative world. John invited me many times to go to the foundry to pour the bronzes he created and he included me in all aspects of his work from when the models came over and he sculpted them in clay, to the foundry, to the finishing and the patina...I mean...really, a fantastic education this man gave me. We had such a great friendship for many years and then at some point we just went our separate ways.

John has since opened his own gallery in Seattle and I really can't wait to visit him again.

NOTE TO SELF: CALL JOHN SISKO WHEN BACK IN SEATTLE! MUST HAVE A GLASS OF WINE WITH HIM.

The first piece of art I purchased as an adult was a painted chair called "Danger Chair" which I still have. The second piece was a drawing that John did of a chrysanthemum in charcoal which I also have...I have saved the art and gotten rid of the other things that don't matter. I keep art like lovers in my heart...forever.

People...we must save the art! I don't want to get political but time is a wasting...time to get on the boat and save the beauty. It is going fast especially in this TV day and age. End of lecture.

What does any of this have to do with Steve? Nothing. Steve is not artistic and he listens to Lite jazz. These are not bad traits, just an observation on my part. I don't want to find differences between us but I do notice when my connectors are not hitting the synapse. I don't expect someone to be connected to me spiritually, physically, artistically, musically, emotionally, passionately....that is a mighty tall order.


He is going to call me this morning (later) and we are having dinner again this evening and he wanted to know what my weekend plans are...we'll see. I see the sexy Jean for my massage tomorrow morning and I don't want him to start getting jealous but I gotta be with Jean.

I warned Steve that I have received many complaints from men which include that I am too independent, too self-sufficient, too self-reliant and not in "need" of a man. I have warned him to protect his heart because I have behaved coldly in the past and not taken a man's heart into consideration and that I was taking care of my needs first. I suggested he do the same...(but he had to wait until he got home. Not in my house! :-)

Anyway...the long story is that I got another date tonight. I think it will be fun...pity I don't own more clothes and most of my shoes are in storage...and I am a bit taller than him...oh well.

Wish me luck and pray for Steve. My father didn't call me a "Black Widow" for nothing.

So much love,
All the way from over here....
Linda