Friday, February 29, 2008

The Rabbi, The Black Guy and The Priest...

Sounds like an intro to a's no joke, but I promise to end the posting with a joke today.

Within a 24 hour period, these three men profoundly touched my heart.

First the Rabbi:

I waited for the Tri-rail in the cold. My version of cold and Karen's are equal. She's used to the frigid weather up there in Connecticut. She's had snow and ice and she has a relationship with my 3 least favorite words: "WIND CHILL FACTOR"

When it is cold in Florida I become very cranky. If I am north...anywhere above the Mason-Dixon line, I can accept the cold but down here when you wake up and it is in the 40's and the wind is blowing at 25 MPH,'s COLD!

The train was running 45-60 minutes late. There was no shelter from the wind and the announcements were steady with the reminder that the train was late. We passengers were instructed to cross the tracks to wait on the Northbound side while they switched tracks and we naturally clustered in groups as people do when instructed by loudspeakers.

An old Hasidic Jew, black hat, prayer robes, white button-down shirt, black pants, trench coat, approached me and asked to see my rings. I wear a lot of silver rings with non-precious stones. I like how it looks and if I am in a compromising position they act like brass knuckles. I know, I'm nonviolent but given my recent incident with the police and all the creeps that are out there, it's good to know that I have a little defense going my way.

I show him my rings and he introduces himself, Rabbi Jerry. He worked on 42nd street in NYC in the jewelry business and we chatted about this and that. He liked the look of my jewels and he was headed to a college to interview for a visiting professorship position. He told me the story of Esther in the Bible. She was a person of faith, goodness, devotion and courage. She built upon these characteristics combining with them a sense of watchfulness. Esther was devoted to her cousin, Mordecai, and obedient to his teachings. Her grace and her beauty gave her favor amongst all that she came in contact with.

Quite a beautiful story while we waited. When he finished his story he saw someone he knew and excused himself. I asked him to add Anne to his prayers and naturally he said he goal is to get as many people praying for my sister as possible.

Enter the Black black child. He found me. My son and I were separated when I left WFM suddenly on November 16th. My time has been spent mourning the loss of my people and dealing with the guilt that they are still in bondage from the evil buck...but I am not a stupid woman and I do not have stupid children. Michael found me. It has made me feel so full of love and joy....and I am so proud of him and all the work he is doing.

Check out his artwork:

He is also a brilliant artist and musician and he is the most beautiful child of god. I am so I didn't have to go through 18 hours of labor or any of that teenage crap. Thank you god for returning my son to me!

Enter the Priest...Father Damien.

We've been busy doing our own this and that and not connecting. Yesterday he came over, cut my hair and did some awesome spiritual counseling for a couple of hours. It was much needed and my hair looks so much's good for the ego.

Father Damien counseled me regarding my still broken heart and how to let go. He reminded me of the agreements I've made with my soulmate and that soon enough we would be back at the source laughing at the roles we played in this lifetime and how seriously I've taken it all.

Keep in mind my Priest is not the regular kinda holy-water-Satan-banishing kinda Priest. Thank You God! He is very forward thinking and writing a book about the missing chapters of the gospels plus the mythology about the resurrection and existence of Jesus Christ. He is very progressive...and not affiliated with any church anymore. Again! Many Thanks!

So in a matter of 24 hours I was touched in so many ways by three profoundly strong men of god.

Here's the joke I promised's one of my favorites:

An Egg salad sandwich walks into a bar, throws his crusts onto the bar and says, "Bartender, I'll have a beer."

Bartender says, "We don't serve food here."

A good little joke.

So many blessings,
All the way from here...

How the Heart Works

Mom and I both feel better today knowing when surgery will be: March 12th. The procedure will take between 4-6 hours...which I think is pretty good. I mean the doctors should have a good snack first and they won't need to have somebody run out to MacDonald's to get Big Macs until after she's stitched up.

Anne is just seriously deciding if she wants to have her valve replaced with a plastic one or a pig valve. There are pluses to both choices. The plastic valve comes with a service warranty for up to 30 years which would put her into old-age so she wouldn't need to have this type of procedure again...but she'd have to be on pharmaceutical drugs for the lifetime that she has the plastic valve.

The pig valve, while being delicious, has its benefits drugs. But the lifespan isn't as long... 5-10 years, but the science of how to fix this problem of hers is accelerating so the reality is that it is very possible that there will be a new procedure and solution for her condition within the next 5-10 years.

Here's how the the heart works:

The blood that is oxygen rich and flowing through our bloodstream giving us energy and life is constantly being recycled.

The right and left sides of the heart have separate functions. The right side of the heart collects oxygen-poor blood from the body and pumps it to the lungs where it picks up oxygen and releases carbon dioxide. The left side of the heart then collects oxygen-rich blood from the lungs and pumps it to the body so that the cells throughout your body have the oxygen they need to function properly.

This is done in 4 chambers of the heart and within each chamber there is a little holding zone and the valves prevent the blood from flooding back from whence it came.

The names of these valves are:

The tricuspid valve is at the exit of the right atrium
The pulmonary valve is at the exit of the right ventricle.
The mitral valve
is at the exit of the left atrium.
The aortic valve
is at the exit of the left ventricle.

Anne's valve is the aortic. This valve is the most hidden valve and while there are improvements in the procedure for valve replacement, the aortic valve is very far inside the heart so it must be extracted and sliced open for the valve to be replaced. Not only is it the most hidden but it holds the most oxygen rich blood so this lifeforce never fully makes it into her bloodstream. Right now her valve is working at 7% which is at critical level, so she must continue to rest and not overdo it.

Anyone who has pulled a muscle knows how painful that imagine it is your heart. I know how my heart feels when I believe it is broken...Anne's really is.

But she is stronger now and mentally preparing for this life-giving procedure. I slept through the whole night. A first in a long time.

I'll be in Miami with Dr. Paul during Anne's surgery. I will have the medical support I need and I'll be able to do my best prayer in that environment. He's got this water-filled massage table that is the most incredible thing...and I can meditate, do yoga, have my treatments or whatever. Plus there's a Starbucks close by so I'll be able to be with Lisa in the Swedish Hospital Waiting Area (which is also a Starbucks.)

As far as paying for the surgery and all of that...since Anne has no health insurance, Swedish Hospital has a large endowments for people like her and she's doing the paperwork now. She's also applied for food stamps and any other assistance available to her in this situation.

I'll be there just after Easter (unless if Lisa requests otherwise)...I don't think we'll be together to watch our favorite Easter movie together: "The Ninth Gate" staring Johnny Depp and Frank Langella. It's a great movie about how the 9 gates of hell are opened and the Devil is unleashed. We like to watch it on Easter to balance out the mythology of the resurrection of Christ. I am sure it offends the Christians, but they have done so much damage over the last 2000 years, I don't think another liberal Hollywood movie is going to hurt them, do you?

I know that sounds a little judgmental but the Christians have done a number on my family. All the white people filled with violence who have violated my people have all been Christians. It doesn't mean that I don't believe that Jesus Christ existed but I do recall that we are all made in God's image...not just the Christians. So my god looks like me and that means that my methods of prayer and such are equal to the prayers of others.

If I've offended with it.

I can't tell you how much offense I have felt and survived.

So we are resting easier now...thank you for your prayers. They have worked.

So much love,
All the way from down here...

Thursday, February 28, 2008

More Hiakus

As I mentioned before, I am feeling anxious and uninspired to write today. That does not mean that I am off the hook...oh no. Priscilla Long would not have it! She was the greatest writing teacher I've studied with and I had the privilege of using her techniques since meeting her in back in 1998 at the University of Washington.

I was looking in my old journals and old letters to find something to type today and I came across this series of Haikus I wrote back on April 12th, 1995 while riding the bus in Seattle. Taking the metro and the tri-rail yesterday was great for me and it reminds me how much I prefer public transportation especially with the daily day-to-day stuff. It allows for more creative time and observation than having to focus on elderly drivers and such down here.

So, in honor of my anxiety while I wait to hear from Anne, here are the poems.

Please pray for us today...we are all a bit on edge.
Much love,

Haiku Story

I am on a bus
It is Friday, 3 PM
Going into town

I met a woman
Who was waiting for the bus
She is a stripper

It was cold outside
And the bus was running late
So we talked 'bout life

She's not on welfare
'Tho she's got a kid who's six
She's a working Mom

A man who smells bad
Just came on the bus...Don't Look!
There he goes, see him?

Well, here is my stop
I've got to check my email
Nice chatting with you.

Today's the Day

Anne heads back to the cardiologist today. She's much stronger now and the reason for the visit is to secure the surgery date. It will likely be within the next two weeks.

My sisters and I agree that I am of no use to them in any hospital setting. I fall apart. The smells, all the sick people, the hopeless god. They are such depressing places. Lisa has all sorts of experience in hospitals and she will be with Anne for the surgery. Mom is staying at home. That's the best place for her. She does not help...but her prayers and thoughts work so that is good enough.

I'm going to be either here or in Atlanta or Hartford for the surgery. I'll know exactly once we have the date...which will be later today.

It's freezing outside and I am having a hard time concentrating so I'll write later on.


Michael My King...

How I have missed you. I don't think I can express how hard my exit and ordeal has been and the worst part was leaving and not being able to say goodbye to you.

My heart is so full right now and I am so glad you found me.

You have no idea how much your energy and love has touched me. Please email me so I can send you my phone number. I am going to be leaving here soon enough and I'd so love to see you once more before I go...

I don't know how I am so blessed to have met you. Please please please email me!!! And I could really use a new CD or two...what are you listening to these day? You've turned me onto some great tunes....we need to keep the music alive.

Thank you so much for reading and I really hope we can hang-out before I head out of town.

So much love for you...
all the way from here...

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Free Advice

Something has changed with the Beautiful Karen Sevenoff ( . She's had a huge shift in her heart and she is looking at her actions and involvement with Mr. Sculley. She is accepting that perhaps she reentered this relationship for all the wrong reasons. She's noticed that she feels it is her obligation to be the 'perfect wife' while in his presence. I'm so glad that she's discovered that this is a role she is playing and it doesn't fit her very well. A lot of women step into that too I imagine, but I haven't spoken to any men about it so I'll only speak on behalf of the women.

I know I've played that role; not behaving as who I am but as an idea of what the other person wants me to be or how I think I should be in a relationship. It's tricky and I did it unconsciously. I'm very glad that it didn't last long and I haven't had a need to repeat the performance.

Karen's heart was recently broken by Dr. Dave, a psychiatrist who is addicted to porn (he admits that) and he was seeing another woman for a couple of years who was just about to move in with him and he became involved with Karen...and Karen is kinda like me...not regular. Not at all! Know what I mean?

So here Dr. Dave is, having this traditional relationship with Gayle and Karen on the side and his addiction to porn plus one of his patients is Sam the farmer. Anne, I met Sam and I swear I found your soulmate when I met him. He's a big strapping organic farmer in CT and Karen was involved with him for a while. She messed him up good as we both are guilty of fucking with men's minds and so now Sam is seeing a psychiatrist who just happens to be Dr. Dave. The day Dr. Dave realized he was screwing the woman that he had been discussing with Sam the farmer...well...I thought it was quite interesting...and fascinating to see what Dr. Dave did (or didn't do) with that knowledge.

NOTE ABOUT PORN: I have some really AWESOME theories why men become addicted to porn. Quite frankly, I don't even believe it is an addiction, but I don't want to start that discussion until Anne is out of ICU, so I'm gonna let it slip by today...but remind me, okay? It's really a good theory!

It's kinda hard to keep Karen as second anything. She is not traditional. She has free will and knows how to use it. She is quite outspoken and will just show up where she wants to be...and as you can imagine, there were some problems. Especially when there are lies involved. Karen and I are both pretty big on honesty....especially where men are concerned.

To help Dr. Dave, she did a few things she's not proud of and if she hadn't taken action the Dr. Dave would still be in denial that they even had a relationship at all and Gayle would not know that her future husband was lying and screwing around on her. Karen is in love with Dr. Dave and that's what happens when you're in love. Your mind takes a vacation and the other parts of your body take over...your gut, your heart, your groin. Crazy action happens that you have no idea where it comes from. Who knows who or what is making the decisions when you are in love? Karen took action to help Dr. Dave pull his head out of his own ass. Her methods were just like her, untraditional and some people didn't have as sweet a Christmas as they thought they would have had, but he did pull his head out of his ass. So, kudos sister!

He is now in therapy with Gayle and they will probably move forward towards a traditional relationship and marriage and all of this and that and this and that and this and that....and Karen is accepting this fate albeit, heartbroken. They have ended their affair but still speak daily. I don't know if this is helping her move on but it is her choice and I do not question her judgment. She knows what's right for her and if she doesn't she'll ask my opinion and I'll tell her.

Karen has high frequency needs so she immediately returned to Mr. Sculley.

He's a good man except for all that Jagermeister in the morning. He has such potential for Karen's dream of becoming a Connecticut Housewife and the work he's done politically and in broadcasting is pretty awesome. It's impressive to see him use his liberal power wisely and quite a turn on, even for me who hates political discussions and involvement. I feel too helpless and angry when discussing politics so I avoid it, but Karen is good at it and he is good for her on that level.

But she has seen how she isn't being fair to herself or Mr. Sculley...especially since he's still drinking and going to AA meetings. I guess a lot of people do that which I cannot judge since I am not walking in their shoes. I gotta tell ya, I've been to a couple of AA meetings myself and it would probably help if you were fucked up on something....listening to all those boring stories about being drunk and all? Kind of a downer, know what I mean...and all that cigarette smoke. That's the part I hate. And why can't they brew a decent cup of coffee?

I am all for AA...don't get me wrong.

The point is that Karen is really looking at what she is doing and how she is working....and why she wants to stay in CT.

So yesterday I was telling her that once I'm done with Seattle I was thinking about going into the desert but with the gas prices and all I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted to do plus I really am loving not having a car...

I started reviewing some of my fantasizes about my life. I can dream big and I know how to make them happen. One of my dreams has to move to Brooklyn NY for a year or so and study physics with Michau Kaku at City College NYC...audit math for me. So I went on to Craigslist in NYC yesterday and found some apartments/rooms for rent for about $800/mo. Pretty damned cheap for NYC.

When Karen called I told her about me thinking about not heading to the desert but going to NYC for a little while before returning to, it'd be a good way for me to miss the hurricane season...especially Aug-Oct. A terrible time to be in Florida...really. I will never forget Katrina, Rita and Wilma...never.

Karen said she had been thinking about moving back to NYC too. Pretty much easier to find a place with another and I have friends there already...the Beautiful Carolyn....whom I have not introduced you too, but Anne you remember her from Coastal Kitchen? Remember? She is so beautiful, like a Greek Goddess...her beauty is classic and timeless but think Isabella Rossalini or Grace Kelly...breath-taking. Carolyn is the wine buyer for a very upscale raw restaurant in the city and she is writing everyday working on getting published. She's a good sister for me to hang with, especially since she's offered to share my work with a couple of her agent friends.

Then there is the very talented Steve McClure. His courage in art is also inspirational to favorite work of his right now is called "Expedition to the Arctic Circle"...not that I would pick a favorite of any artists work, but if I had the cash that'd be the piece I'd buy.

Please check out Steve's work:

He is brilliant and prolific. I mean it...Steve is really brilliant...the only man who never backed down over dinner and quantum physics. God he's a smartie and he is such a good friend. I love how he works small and in series of paintings. I noticed that he's added a few pieces with intense colors. He usually works in ink and watercolors but sticking to browns and the men in the overcoats are common themes in his work. It really is hard for me to discuss his work since it invokes such emotions in me...hard to describe.

He definitely needs at least a one hour service at the Church of Art. Maybe Karen and I can start it in NYC first? I know a few people we could invite and I'm sure Steve wouldn't mind people sitting in silence studying his work...a good thought.

I was painting last night on the jacket...I put it down for a little while and am back at it. I painted the third phrase on it: "What if all this time I thought I was a spoon when really I'm a fork?" And I was thinking about what good Karen and I could do in NY.

We gave out free advice in Seattle together and it was a blast. We had a following and had we not been drinking so much red wine, we probably wouldn't have missed the reporters who came to interview us that one day we missed in August. When Karen and I team up we are hilarious and we always disagree on methods people should take or actions but our outcomes are identical. So you get two points of view when you ask us our opinion and with her performance background...well, she gives me courage.

Karen and I have worked in partnership before and I swear I'll talk about the book soon...I'm just not ready today...

We've discussed working on a second book together called:


Yes, it is designed to sell a lot of copies and we know how to do it. We've also got notes and an outline plus I'd like to do a bunch of podcasts. I was blessed with a good radio voice, just like my sisters, and I'd like to use it once in my lifetime. And we're so funny that it has some serious potential. Karen really wants one of her projects to come to reality and she may believe me now that I know how to make that happen.

It's funny, I've put together 10 restaurants/retail establishments in 5 years and specialize in creating business systems plus I created a new business concept for a multi-million dollar operation and still I doubt my skill set. I hope to be done with that bit of insecurity soon.

I must say, sitting with the idea of me relocating to NYC after Seattle makes me feel really good. It's a nice thought and seems realistic and something I've always wanted to I'm going to stay here thinking about the future for a little while and allowing that possibility to be.

In the meantime, I must take trains to Miami today and hope that I don't get stuck on any tracks with rolling power outages. And if I do, I'm sure I'll meet someone interesting or find something to write about.

So much love...

God Bless the Federal Government

Dear Traditional White Bearded God,

Thank you for all your work with the Federal Government. I know I've had my complaints in the past but I must say I am truly grateful for the power you have given me defending my rights as a citizen of the United States of America. And for as much as I fantasize about leaving this country, I must admit I have it pretty sweet here right now...and when my claim was denied by the EEOC, you came right in with a sympathetic Federal Judge who offered to review my case and represent me in the appeals process. Not to mention the civil action I am now able to take.

Dearest God...did you know that when you google my name the other Linda Silberman in existance is a law professor at Columbia University? Thank you for making me so psychic so I intuitively know what to do in all these legal proeceedings...especially since that injunction was filed against me last Friday. I was a little worried there but there you were again, protecting my back and the documents arrived yesterday throwing out the entire case and again ruling in my favor!

So this latest little action that you did with me and the Federal Labor I gotta say, that was really just for laughs now wasn't it? I truly do thank you for sending me such a helpful government employee who's native land is not the USA but he so appreciates being here...his assistance yesterday and listening to Anne's employer shit their pants when I phoned with the representative from the Department of Labor yesterday was priceless.

Sure, they said all the this and that to cover their asses...I know what they will say before it happens...I was trained by the best at Whole Foods Market. I know the power of the HR department and how it works...and I know what happens to people once the Federal Labor Board calls and files a complaint for one of its flock. Boy God, I was surprised at how much restraint I used too...I mean, you can mess with me all you want but when someone is fucking with my sister especially in her condition....well, there's a reason why the lion is the queen of the jungle.

It did feel good God to watch them shake in their boots and while the Washington State Insurance Commisioner was helpful, the Labor Board was icing on the cake. Thank you!

So we still need a quater million dollars god, but I'm not worried about it today. Anne and I both have what we need for right, fresh air, snacks, music, rain. Can you do something about this weather god? I know I've asked before but I'm not seems like since I decided in January to return to Seattle you keep bringing this weather here and you don't have to...I appreciate it and all...but think of the millions of other people who don't like the weather.

It's just a suggestion.

Oh, bless and protect and all this and that and thanks for the free WiFi at home. I know it's kinda like stealing but without a car it is so much easier for me to be home and write and my decaf coffee is so much better than Starbucks...thank you thank you thank you. Seriously. I am blessed...even when I don't think I am. Amen. Praise Jesus and all that hoopla. Namaste.

So much love
All the way from here...

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Leslie and the Men

The blond bombshell and I have been having coffee together daily since I changed my routine from the wee-wee early hours in the morning. She and I are from different universes and I am always delighted to see her...for a lot of reasons.

Firstly, she is very into men and loves to talk about them and sex. It's fun! She is hot and has dated most of the cuties that come into our Starbucks. Today she has 3 men she's seeing at the same time...she likes to identify them by country of origin: The Brazilian, The Italian, and The American.

She treated me to my decaf Americano and I asked her how her weekend was.

"It was good." she said flatly.

"Who did you do?" I asked.

"Mostly the American." she said.

It was at that moment that the Brazilian came in. I must say, he is very fine. A good height for her, about 5'10" and built...well, they all have to be built or else she wouldn't consider them. God forbid she meet a great guy who happens to be a little thin or a little out of shape.....disqualified.

When The Brazilian walks in she changes completely. Her eyes light up, she watches him from the second he enters and stands in line to get his is impossible for her to continue a conversation when The Brazilian is in the room. Once he gets his beverage he comes over and says hello....she gets up, kisses him and whispers something into his ear. Every time. That's the routine.

I can see he knows how to really light her fire. And he knows it too...he's so cool. Man. I wonder how many Leslie's he's got in his back pocket. She really kinda falls over him. I like to see it makes her a bit more vulnerable...just a smidgen.

I've seen her with the American too and she behaves differently around him...more childlike, and playful but needing his attention.

Here is when a healthy discussion of parallel universes would come in handy.

Note: Michio Kaku has a new book coming out in a couple of weeks. Here's a link to his website:

In a parallel universe Leslie is as turned on by the American and Italian as she is the Brazilian.

But for her, that's not the goal. She is a physical being having a physical life. She was raised as a "Daddy's Little Girl" and still has that energy. Men respond really well to it, especially if they collect guns. She comes from a family of snipers employed by the government...and I'm the one who got locked up in an institution for three days. I didn't even mention one conspiracy theory!

C'est la vie.

We live in completely different worlds. Where we join is at Starbucks and we enjoy high protein snacks together. Leslie doesn't think I work out hard enough and that I am out of shape. She said so yesterday and I laughed inside to myself. She's a personal trainer working in mainstream gyms. She has chosen plastic surgery to give her the bust line that traditional men are drawn to and she works out hard. It shows in her hard body.

I work out softly. I am not trying to have rippling muscles. I can't help it that my legs are so well defined...I've always biked and walked and worked on my feet. To keep me connected to the planet when I was employable, I wore clogs that was like wearing two pound weights on each leg. I got gams...I'm a long legged beauty. Can't help it. I just am.

It's funny...I really like Leslie and accept her for who she is. Since my recent epiphany regarding Steve and my dating needs, it is easier for me to witness her experiences. I know what it feels like to sleep with someone that you're not that into but they have a good body and quite frankly it's not a turn-on for me. I don't care how hot he is.

Leslie wants to go out partying with me before I leave town. She doesn't drink or do drugs so it'll be fun...she's a great salsa dancer and I am terrible! I really want to learn to salsa better. I was taking lessons for a little while there but then things changed. Plus I really do love to watch how men respond when they see her.

It is like watching "Mutual of Omaha's Wildlife Kingdom".

She attracts a different kind of man and I am grateful that they flock over her. It reminds me that there is someone for everyone and I doubt I would ever be interested in any of the men she dates.

I said to her, "Wow Leslie, you are the United Nations of Dating, aren't you!?!"

"Yeah..." she said, "But I don't date black guys."

"Really?" I said. "A whole race out? There are some pretty good looking black guys."

"No. No black guys." She said. "And no Mexicans."

I sat quietly nodding.

"And no guys from China. Or any Asian guys." She said.

"So you really like the whitish guys most?" I asked.

"Yeah, well you know..." she said implying that I understood her discriminating tastes.

I don't of course. I can't eliminate races. I've been victim to too many hate crimes by white people when growing up for having a Jewish last name and a divorced mother. I have witnessed violence and been raped by white men. I have been held against my will in a business environment by a white man. I have been arrested and detained by white men. I have been held back professionally by white men. I have the worst sex in the world with white men.

White men white men white men.

Luckily the people of color don't visit Starbucks in my least not too many of them. It is teaming with police officers, FBI agents, Mobsters, and others legally licensed to carry a gun. Not especially friendly to nonwhite people here in Pompano Beach.

Carry on Leslie.

God speed.

I"ll enjoy each cup of coffee with you until March 13th. Who knows...maybe I'll find one of your leftovers who likes to have a conversation before he takes you home and well...we know what will happen. Do I really have to say it?

All the way from here...

Monday, February 25, 2008

Shift the attention....

I canceled with Steve yesterday and told him I didn't want to start anything with him. I just am not into it and he wants to find a committed relationship so it is best for both of us. He understood and that is good. I don't want to lead him on and I really don't want the pressure of sleeping with him, especially if I don't feel intellectually connected to him....know what I mean?

Now, if he could explain dark matter to know, I'd even accept the short version of understanding super-string theory. Actually you don't have to have a science mind to be with me, but at least an understanding that I may have a need to discuss physics sometimes...doesn't everybody?

This is why I remember my best relationship was when I was involved with two a scientist, the other a mechanic. The scientist and I would talk and have fantastic food together and we had such a strong connection on many levels but not physically. He was a little guy, about 5'6" and he was beautiful, like a young Frank Sinatra...think early Bugs Bunny cartoon...handsome, but we weren't physically into each other. We talked about it and that was fine.

So he had a little woman on the side and I had a big man, Nathan. I don't know what was sexier about Nathan..his height and physical size (6'5" 230#) or his hands on my VW engine. Both are sexy traits. However, Nathan (21 at the time) let me know that he found all my interests 'daunting'. I was impressed that he knew the word daunting! The reality is that we had nothing to talk about unless if we were talking about cars...VW buses or Science Fiction.

The problem was that Nathan was very jealous of Doug the scientist. And when I got the offer to move to Elko, NV for work, I took it. Nathan thought I was taking him with me and that idea never entered my mind. He wasn't a very good communicator and I ended up hurting him pretty badly. I won't be looking him up in Seattle. I tried once before a few years ago and he was not having it...he wants nothing to do with me.

Can't blame him really....

To lift my spirits I decided to shift my attention back onto the arts. I looked up another artist who I miss dearly from Seattle....Ethan Harrington or EJack as he signs most of his paintings.

Karen introduced me to Ethan in the mid-90's. Karen was sleeping with him at the time (as she loves to do with everyone!) He was about 21 or so and he was really starting to paint seriously. What I love about him is that he works in oils and he works super fast. He is a crazy painter! Drinks too much, listens to hard, cold jazz and is a huge risk taker in art and in his life. I think he still lives downtown near some of my other friends. On his website he's painted a couple of the places we used to hang out, like the Virgina Inn (V.I. as we used to call it back in the day.) Oh god how I miss the beer in Seattle.

I'm looking forward to being there...

I own only one of Ethan's pieces and I paid full price for it. It is a print. I couldn't afford the original, but it is the first in a series of prints and I love it. And looking at the pictures of Ethan he looks fully grown now...what a treat!

The colors choices he is using now are interesting against the Seattle background, especially since I remember Seattle as being so gray, cold and bleak. Ethan is a Leo and paints in bright colors bringing life to any subject around him. I love how prolific he is...always creating. And while I may not always have a "love"reaction to his work, I absolutely love how he works and what he does.

The respect I have for him is huge! He has an amazing way of finding funding...back in the day, he had a huge Japanese following and he not only would sleep with the female investors, but accepted their cash for living expenses and wine freely. He was a bit of an art whore....that's why I love him! He'd sell his body if it gave him enough money to keep painting.

Paint strong Ethan...we are long over due for a visit.

He painted me once, in my home, on the chaise. I never saw the finished work.

When I am feeling sad like this, remembering all my friends who I left and all the art and music, I really consider just relocating back to Seattle. The sunshine in Florida is great and all but what I really miss are friendships with people I can relate to.

I question why I want to come back to Florida. It offers great weather, sure. But what else does it offer me? There is no all goes into the giant landfill, the only hill in site in the flat landscape. There is no connection with me and the art community here...especially in Pompano Beach. And what about Miami? Will I really find a community of people who I relate to and am inspired by there? I don't know.

Friendship is so important to me...

I had a great dinner with two incredible women the other night which was so good for my soul. Both of the women are leaving the area too...Brenda is going out to the Tree of Life center in Arizona to study raw foods to become a raw foods chef and Connie is going to relocate to California. I know I'll see both women again and we may be able to have one more dinner together before I leave mid-march, but after that I'll have to visit Brenda in Arizona and I don't know exactly when I'll see Connie again. She is such an inspiration to me...she lives her truth so gracefully and spreads the most beautiful, generous with the beauty.

I am so blessed to have met these two women. Great healers, they are.

Having a community of people who are artists, musicians, writers, healer, whatever..people creating and what I miss most and why I am anxious to get to Seattle.

I decided to leave Florida earlier than the end of March. I'm going to head up to Atlanta to spend time with my friends there and see the band again and then I'm going up to conduct a workshop with Karen in Hartford, CT.

I've been invited to give an aromatherapy lecture at a yoga studio. It will focus on how to use essential oils to enhance your skin and teach how to make customized body lotions and oils. This is second nature to me and it will be good to spend time with Karen. Plus I want to meet her latest beau. Mr. Scully. He's big in politics and is also a guest on a lot of talk-radio shows. I'm sure we'll get along great and he's sobering up too, so that's good for Karen too. Alcohol is such a depressant.

Now I am feeling a bit better. Thank you for letting me share all these beautiful people with you...

Dearest God,

Please keep your eye on Little Man. May his coat be shiny and soft for all eternity...and if the Hawks are strong enough to pick-up a twenty pound cat, may his death be swift and easy with very little suffering. He was such a good cat to not only me but to his first family from whence he came.

Also god, pleases help me find a good home for Puff before I head out. Thank you for Debby's offer to take care of her but I am not sure it is good for the little girl to be in a home with 7 other animals, 3 of which are dogs and one is a pit bull. Not that all pit bulls are bad, but she is such a tiny thing and she misses Little Man so...she sits for hours looking out into the backyard looking for him and he doesn't come.

Thank you for the kitty people and please forgive me for having to relinquish my responsibilities right now. It is so hard for heart is aching. Thank you for the softest kitties in the world. I do not know how I could have deserved their affection. I am humbled by their unconditional love. Thank you thank you thank you. Ashey. Namaste.

All the way from here,

Hawks Swooping

Yesterday I saw a hawk swoop down and pick-up a squirrel from my back yard...about 20 feet from my Florida room.

Puff was sitting with me and she couldn't believe it! My thoughts immediately went towards Little Man. If a hawk could swoop and lift a little squirrel with such grace and ease, do you think it could pickup an eighteen pound cat?

I know that Little Man is a smart cat and I really hope he has adopted a home but I have been in a funk since witnessing that act.

I miss my Little Man...


Sunday, February 24, 2008

Charges Filed: SHALLOW

Lalala thinks I am shallow.

Here are a couple more fun facts about me:

He's right, but I prefer to call it egocentric.

It's none of my business to know what you think about me. You are welcomed to your opinion and perhaps it is very true...thank you for your honesty. I love to witness peoples judgments. Especially when I am the one being judged.

The reality is that I still have my Whole Foods Market store discount and I won't be terminated from the company until nearly the end off March by which time I'll be in Seattle and shopping at the coop (which I'm already a lifetime member) or Trader Joe's so I don't really need to marry anyone for a 20% discount.

As for citizenship to Italy? Well, according to Italian laws, I can fill out all sorts of paperwork through the Italian consulate proving that my mother was first generation born in the USA and I qualify for dual citizenship to the motherland of Italy. But I have to produce all sorts of documents about my family's history. Sadly there are only 4 people left in my family so finding those documents from my mother would be brutal. Plus my mother doesn't talk about her family or the past at all except at how my sisters and I have ruined her life, still to this day by being born so asking for my great grandmother's maiden name is kinda out of the question right now.

And I hate all that bullshit paperwork.

Wouldn't it be much easier for me to marry an Italian? I mean Gianni had his citizenship to Italy but gave it up for a Spanish passport. I am sure there's a woman involved and there is a lot of heartache there because he regrets giving up his motherland passport. He has a USA passport too...

Yes, I am shallow. I know that having been raised by all women and not witnessing any male-female relationships that last i.e.: marriage and/or even a male presence that wasn't predatory in a sexual nature... I do not have a lot of faith in the traditional marriage system.

I am an ordained minister and the reason I became one was to perform Divorce Ceremonies. People enter marriage with all this fanciful ideals and wishes and lofty dreams and like today's society, they fall apart. People grow apart, their values change, they change physically, the dreams dissolve they fall out of love and they get angry, projecting all their fears onto the other person's face and finally after years of silence or sleeping on the couch they decide it isn't working out and file for divorce.

My vision is to have a ceremony where the two people come together to acknowledge what they have shared and to wish the other well. I've seen too many people hang onto old feelings of hurt and pain....not letting the other person leave energetically so they stay unconsciously connected to their mate long after the divorce papers are signed.

The idea of the divorce ceremony is intended to be an intimate event with as few people present as needed. It really only takes the three...the couple and me. Keep the energy clean. Let's not hang-on to the past.

I know this from the pain in my past and from watching others carry that anger around with them...maybe when Lalala is a little older he will understand.

It's funny, while I was with the Sexy Jean yesterday (you remember him from Massage Envy? My very handsome strong-handed Haitian Massage Therapist...ooooohhhh how I will miss my Saturday mornings with him! Thank you God!) we were talking about marriage and love. Jean is a one-woman man...I can tell the way he was talking about marriage and love.

See...I am constantly amazed that there are tender, loving, romantic men who seek intimate relationships. I was raised to believe that men were all predators and that it was imperative to be self-sufficient and to not depend on anyone else for your needs to be met...especially financially. Given the philosophies I was raised with and my fiery nature and you add in some of my skills the results are unique.

I shared some of my personal philosophies with Jean while laying naked under a crisp white sheet.

I believe that men are more in touch with their feelings meaning they feel more deeply than women do....women intellectualize their feelings more and are less in touch with how they feel in their bodies, even when they feel good...what does the heart feel? What do you feel in your body?

Don't worry Anne, I know you are the exception and you have taught me a ton about staying in touch with my feelings. You lead by example. Thank you!

That is something I've had to learn from the talented Dr. Paul. How to bring those emotions into my body and not relive the pain or pleasure, but to bring awareness to the cells and understand that is an emotion I am feeling in my lower back or calf or wherever.

The body traps emotions in its cells and's called "cellular memory" and if it isn't released it will stay festering in the body until the physical expires. There are many books written about this and I am willing to treat myself non-traditionally using these techniques to heal my pain from sexual trauma and abuse.

We all have our stories of pain and mine is neither greater than nor less than anyone else's. I find it amazing that given my history that I am still so attracted to men! I mean, if I listened to the stories of abuse that I have, I should have jumped ship and become a lesbian a long long time ago...but it's not my way. Women are hot and all, but they don't do it for me the way a man does.

I think it's mighty healthy for me to find myself attracted to so many men right now. I feel as if I were dead inside for a lot of years and I am awakening to the beauty that is all around me and the men folk are part of that beauty.

Feel free to quote me on that in your philosophy paper Lalala.

I got a ton of theories about men and women and relationships...all unproven because no man is willing to take the risk to explore an alternative relationship using these ideals. Steve could have had a chance but he was angry at me for not sleeping with him on the first date.

That's not who I am....sorry.

Having intimate everyday relationships are more important to me than having random sex, and having stimulating interesting conversations I find more arousing than just making out.

Poor know, I only gave him 2 questions out of the dating quiz because I knew he couldn't answer the science question...I probably shouldn't have made out with him based on that fact only....

What questions did I ask him?

What is your last name? I asked to see his license to make sure I had the spelling of his name right too...

Have you been on a reality TV program. No, he hadn't been on a show and he thought it was just a little odd that I asked him that question.

I took mercy on him and did not ask him to explain dark matter to me in one minute of less.

Maybe I am cynical but what is the point of a traditional marriage in this day and age especially if you do not wish to have children?

I think it is rare that two people get along well enough to have that sort of intimate relationship that doesn't require paperwork.

Please, keep those judgments a coming! It helps me stay true to my path.

Dear Kindest God,

Thank you for the beautiful morning, although it'd be nice if these clouds move out and more sunshine come in...not that I need the tan or anything, its just so nice when it is sunny and warm. I have a few requests today god, the usual...bless and protect us all especially those who are out doing this and that and not really thinking about the here and now along with those who are in pain and suffering. It is so believable when trapped in our little stories.

God, take an extra moment and surround my sister Anne with white healing light so that she maybe strong enough to have the surgery she desperately needs to be well again. May it go smoothly and easily. And god, may my conversation with the Washington State Insurance Commissioner tomorrow go well and may we find a way to raise the quarter million dollars needed for her surgery and recovery. If we raise too much money we promise to donate it to others who are in similar situations. That will not be hard to do in todays society.

Please protect all the special menfolk who have surprised and delighted me in the recent past. Thank you for bringing interesting men for me to meet and talk to to remind me that it is possible for me to find companionship in a variety of forms. OH, and thanks for Jean...those hands baby....ooooooooooooolala! Thank you God! Many blessings and all of that... Ashey. Namaste.

So much love,
All the way from here...

Saturday, February 23, 2008

I'd really like your opinion please.....

I received an email from an organization who wants to advertise on my little blog here. I gotta say, I never even thought about adding advertisers especially since I didn't think anybody but Anne was reading this site...oh and the ocassional Sue or Mickey...and Lalala.

My thought is if I accept advertisors I'm willing to set-up a bank account in my sister's name to have all proceeds go towards her medical expenses which include her living expenses since she has been unable to work since January because she is too sick to breathe and must be strong before the operation.

What do you think?

Will you support that? I don't know how many people read this but perhaps it could do a little good?

What say you.

Please email me or post a comment your thoughts:

And here is the group who wants to advertise:

Oh, and I've lucked out...I'm borrowing WiFi from a neighbor this weekend. Bonus!

Time for a swim...


Change in Plans

Steve called yesterday but it was an hour or so after he said he would call. I didn't notice actually, he told me he was late in calling me and launched into a heavy discussion. It's funny... some of my former girlfriends would have been waiting by the phone noticing that he didn't call and he was late and start wondering if they had done something wrong and this and that and this and that...

I was kinda hoping he wouldn't call or maybe he'd get a better offer because I was really starting to think about some things on the date that weren't bad but they were not exactly a match for me either...but I'll get to that in a moment.

So Steve calls. I told him I forgot that I had a doctor's appointment in Miami on Friday afternoon (like I do on most Friday afternoons) and that I'd probably be later than 7:30.

Then he gets a little flip and said, "Maybe I should come by at 9:00 and just bring condoms."

I said, "What, because I don't want a committed relationship you think all I want is a booty call?"

"Well, what else do you want?" he asked.

"Friendship, companionship, laughter...someone to hang out with and have fun with." I said.

"So I'll bring condoms and we'll watch TV first." he said.

"Well...that's not exactly what I mean. I don't watch TV really anymore unless if it's cartoons or maybe a basketball game and I don't have cable and I do not feel comfortable with you picking me up and taking me to your house. Maybe this isn't a good situation for either of us Steve." I said.

It was at that moment that I remembered the LITE JAZZ.

Here's a fun fact about me: I don't like LITE ANYTHING!

No Lite beer, Lite jazz, Lite housework, Lite conversation, Lite shows, Lite comedies, Lite diet, Lite sex, Lite windows. No Lite Allowed.

LITE is not even a real word. How it has been associated with Jazz is horrifying. How can you put Bob James and Bill Evans in the same genre of music?

Notice the Exception: Lite Brite. I do like a good LITE BRITE...especially when there is a pretty flower or boat in primary colors sitting on a sea of calm, black waters.

Let's put it in a mathematical equation.

Bob James does not = Bill Evans

Bob James is < Bill Evans

Class, < is the less than sign.

Granted, Bill Evans was whacked out on smack for a long time and then he cleaned up his act and continued to write and make incredible music. Sadly Chet Baker didn't have the same path when he got clean...face bashed in with his own trumpet. But his voice...poor Chet.

Maybe if Bob James had been hooked on smack for a while his music would have had more soul.
Bob James peaked when he wrote the "Theme to Taxi". A great tune, don't get me wrong. It is still appreciate today when heard. I mean that was a great show and I really hope that he made a lot of money for his composition and that he gets royalties each time it is played on Nick-at-Nite (NOTE: Nite is not a real word either, but I'll let it pass this time.)

When I was 18 or 19 and starting to explore Jazz (remind me to tell you about the first time I fell in love with an incredible bass player! Keith Moller...Anne, you remember him? From Caruso's? Oh god, was he a great musician and so cute....a tall Dudley Moore less the the alcoholism!) Back then I liked Bob James. He led me to Dave Grusin who led me to Pat Metheny who led me to Dave Brubeck who led me to Miles Davis who led me to John Coltrane and the discovery of Bill Evans.

It did not lead me to Kevin Bacon.

What's this all got to do with Steve and the condoms?


After I didn't sleep with Steve on the first date, he had a chance to think about what I said over dinner. I told him to keep dating other women because I wasn't looking for a committed relationship. I was my usual straight-up direct self. I told him I was taking care of my own needs first and that was priority number one. I've essentially won the lottery for the next two years with a steady stream of income and am taking the time to invest in myself and my creative way of life and that means in relationships too...not just art.

He really wants to be in a committed relationship and that's not what I want. I was clear...very exact words were:

"Steve, I do not want to be in a committed relationship right now unless if you work for Whole Foods and I get your store discount or if you have citizenship to Italy or France." I did not shout it but I was very clear. You can quote me on that...

That is the truth.

That is My truth.

So I told him he was a great catch for someone else, not me. If I wanted that kind of American relationship he would be my first choice...and you know, if he meditated or had any kind of spiritually developed side, I might consider sleeping with him...but just because you are flexible and do yoga does not mean that you are spiritual...and having a spiritual connection and having a physical relationship can lead to profoundly euphoric experiences.

Certainly worth the wait.

I did agree to go to the Italian festival with him on Sunday and that if he wanted to take a bike ride or go for a walk that I'm his know, I'd even be up for some ice skating. I really used to love it and it'd be nice to get on the ice before I head out to Seattle...make sure my tights fit and see how they look with a nice little velvet black mini skirt...I love the fashion.

Now, how to tell mom...she was so excited about me dating some guy into mortgage and finance. The good news is that Steve helps people after bankruptcy secure loans to first-time buyers. This could really help me out when I return to Miami. Who knows. more craigslist for least not for today.

So much love...
You know where I am...

Friday, February 22, 2008

Door Number 2

My first choice for my man is behind Door Number One. Sadly, he doesn't feel the same way about me. You know, it is so rare when you have a connection with someone...a connection in so many areas, or so it seems... and it just isn't meant to be...well, it is kinda sad.

Like in the movies, but no happy ending. Echart Tolle says that there are no happy endings, only this moment. I have to agree. It's funny, Karen has such a violent reaction to my attachment to the man behind Door Number One, even the idea of it...especially when there is a psychic connection. I don't think she's experienced that before and since I was raised by psychics, that is what I am most attracted too...the other ways humans communciate besides through words or actions. The thoughts that connect us...the twin connection...ESP...the occult...

However, the idea of the man behind Door Number One may be better than the physical relationship since it has never been tried. He has not expressed interest in me and it is not our path. Ideas and ideals create slippery sloaps.

I accept my heartache and allow it to be.

And I am moving on to door number 2. It's funny with matters of the hard to articulate the feelings that live inside a muscle.

So for the introductions:

Everyone, this is Steve.

I met him on I know, I know..didn't I learn anything from the Naked Guy? But I didn't answer Naked Guy's personal ad, I answered an ad to be a housesitter for his house, not dinner and a walk on the beach...

Steve wrote a great ad, very honest and articulate and I read it on a whim...I hadn't been on craigslist since I went out with Paul, the duel company owner who couldn't sleep because he could hear his heart beating so loudly. I don't even know what possessed me to go looking for someone to date, but I did and I replied. He responded quickly to my response and we made plans for dinner.

He arrives on time holding a beautiful bouquet of snap dragon flowers and he kisses me within the first 10 minutes. A nice little kiss that just said..."hey, I like you!" and I was glad he did it too. I misread men a lot and I have been attracted to men who do not want a physical relationship with me so I like the acknowledgment that he finds me attractive. I like kissing and need to be kissed often (yes, just like Miss Scarlett.) He is affectionate and human touch is so lovely. It was welcomed, kind and gentle.

I must say, Steve is a MAN. I mean, he is mature but playful, articulate and a good listener and he asked so many questions about interested in my life and who I am. I guess I am very non-typical of the women of South Florida.

He's 44 and been divorced for almost 3 years now and has been searching for a mate with many online dating sites and craigslist and god knows what else. I find it fascinating to hear about his search for a woman. He is older than the men I am typically interested in but I didn't tell him that...the ego is so fragile.

I did mention that I had a blog too and I offered to give him my website address but he didn't want to read it. I did ask if I could write about him and he said yes so I am not typing out of line. I thought that was kinda odd...but he calls himself a writer too so who knows....

NOTE: I have tried to bring more consciousness around my writings about strangers especially in a small community like Pompano Beach. The Starbucks team members know I write about them and they like it but I didn't ask for permission from Big Eddie and his clan to write about them and I think I pissed them off, so I am being much more respectful now. I am sorry Ed if I offended you or your large extended family especially Baby Huey.

When I replied to Steve's ad, I didn't write anything sensational, I wrote just like I do here. I don't know what other women write to respond to ads, so I was just myself and I included my phone number...he called right away. Actually, he called me 3 times yesterday and then dinner, then walking, then fooling around like teenagers and then I sent him home.

Self is a good thing. It prevents babies and diseases and keeps the mind sane. I recommend it. Feel free to quote me on that!

What amazed me is that he arrived for the date similar to how Karen would...he had a piece of luggage with him in his car and I think if I said I wanted to get married he'd have thought about it. He didn't need a protein shake...or maybe he did when he got home, I don't know. But I didn't need one and that's all that matters to me this morning.

Marriage: Does the conventional wisdom suit who I am?

What do you think?

I encouraged Steve to keep going out with other women and that I would be leaving soon enough and that I didn't think I'd be back for several months. Once I leave Seattle, there is some traveling I'd really like to do. I am most discouraged with the gas prices right now especially if I get another VW Camper...gas guzzlers...and I'd really like to go into the desert for a little while and to NYC to visit some people and maybe make some connections with a new literary agent...but it is too hard to predict the future today...future plans are difficult to make for me until Anne is out of surgery and well on the road to recovery...and to get my health stabilized...

I like Steve. He is funny, kind, great energy and strives for peace. He vibrates on a lovely frequency which is most important to me. He really wants to be in a one person committed relationship not necessarily marriage (so he says but I don't believe him...I think he wants to get married again) but he really wants to be involved with someone with a strong connection. His marriage was together for 20 years...7 years living together and then 13 years married and divorced. Such a long hard to get over those old loves. Studies show that men die so young if they are single...women save lives.

I think if Steve worked for Whole Foods or if he had citizenship to Italy or France that I'd consider marrying him and I told him so too. I mean he really did bring marriage up a couple of times during dinner and he was fast forwarding me into his future asking me how long I was going to be gone and this and that and this and that and this and that....

Slow down Mr. pace...okay?

I've only wanted to get married once and I asked him too, in writing. It didn't work out.

See, if I married a Whole Foods Market team member then I wouldn't have to start paying $600/mo in COBRA for my extensive medical expenses starting next month and I'd get to keep my store 20% discount. All great benefits. I mean, my bills are pouring in from my hospital stay and since they doped me up so much I don't even remember seeing Dr. Sanji and his 30 second consultation with me cost $450. That was the first bill of so many more that are pouring in....

I hate dealing with insurance companies.

I hate being a stereotype....woman focusing on the practical aspect of life only...and I hate being predictable.

Steve works in finance and banking. He would be good Jewish husband, just like Jay would have been. I am certain he would be an excellent provider and lover. He works out, has a great body, has lost over 50 pounds in the last couple of years so he can understand my relationship with discovering the self in a new body...and he has beautiful hands.

Lord help me to be near a man with beautiful hands. I must admit, it is one of my most favorite body parts on a man...I know I've talked about other parts, but seriously...I can stare at a man's hands and get lost in the idea of them and what they can do...especially if the are strong and a beautiful color....I actually wrote a meditation on the hands for Karen Sevenoff and notice the beauty of a lover's hands and sit in grace while gazing at the movement, muscles, the gift of having thumbs...good stuff.

It reminds me of John Sisko.

John Sisko is a brilliant sculptor who I met back in the late 1980's while working at Cutter's Bay House, just north from Pike Place Market. Working there was a cash cow! John was a bartender and a sculptor and painter and I was a waitress/floor manager. He and I hit it off and became fast friends. He never expressed any other interest in me other than sharing his art and I felt so honored, privileged really, that he included me in his creative world. John invited me many times to go to the foundry to pour the bronzes he created and he included me in all aspects of his work from when the models came over and he sculpted them in clay, to the foundry, to the finishing and the patina...I mean...really, a fantastic education this man gave me. We had such a great friendship for many years and then at some point we just went our separate ways.

John has since opened his own gallery in Seattle and I really can't wait to visit him again.


The first piece of art I purchased as an adult was a painted chair called "Danger Chair" which I still have. The second piece was a drawing that John did of a chrysanthemum in charcoal which I also have...I have saved the art and gotten rid of the other things that don't matter. I keep art like lovers in my heart...forever.

People...we must save the art! I don't want to get political but time is a wasting...time to get on the boat and save the beauty. It is going fast especially in this TV day and age. End of lecture.

What does any of this have to do with Steve? Nothing. Steve is not artistic and he listens to Lite jazz. These are not bad traits, just an observation on my part. I don't want to find differences between us but I do notice when my connectors are not hitting the synapse. I don't expect someone to be connected to me spiritually, physically, artistically, musically, emotionally, passionately....that is a mighty tall order.

He is going to call me this morning (later) and we are having dinner again this evening and he wanted to know what my weekend plans are...we'll see. I see the sexy Jean for my massage tomorrow morning and I don't want him to start getting jealous but I gotta be with Jean.

I warned Steve that I have received many complaints from men which include that I am too independent, too self-sufficient, too self-reliant and not in "need" of a man. I have warned him to protect his heart because I have behaved coldly in the past and not taken a man's heart into consideration and that I was taking care of my needs first. I suggested he do the same...(but he had to wait until he got home. Not in my house! :-)

Anyway...the long story is that I got another date tonight. I think it will be fun...pity I don't own more clothes and most of my shoes are in storage...and I am a bit taller than him...oh well.

Wish me luck and pray for Steve. My father didn't call me a "Black Widow" for nothing.

So much love,
All the way from over here....

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Mystery Date

I got a date tonight and it is different this time since I don't have a car. That means he has to come over and pick me up for dinner.

It's a bit old fashioned and kinda cool. I mean, he has to come up to my door, knock on it, say hello and escort me to his car. That hasn't happened to me since high school...maybe college. Certainly not a first date in my adult life. Today it is rare that a person comes over to pick you up for an evening out on a first date.

Since this is a new experience I decided to reach out to some of my girlfriends to ask for their advice on preparing for a first date who was picking you up. Karen Sevenoff ( is my closest girlfriend and she dates a lot. She's dated multiple guys at once and I honestly don't know how she does it but she's recently slimmed down to one guy. I think she should be careful because I've learned my lesson and have stopped playing with men's hearts. They are too fragile. And so is mine.

I asked Karen how clean I should make the house. I mean, if I keep it kinda messy I am less inclined to invite him in if we really hit it off. Karen said she is fully prepared to marry the man on the first date and packs her purse accordingly.

"What?" I said. "You are ready to marry him before you meet him for dinner?"

"Oh yeah." She goes. "I usually bring my passport too. I am ready for anything."

"Like what?" I ask. "Sex? Then what?"

"Oh, certainly sex. I bring everything with me that I might need in a pinch." She said.

"Spill it. What's in your purse?" I say.

"Well, the obvious...tooth brush, condoms, and then some of those other things you really don't like to be with out." She continues, "Perfume, massage oil, poetry, protein shake."

"You bring shakes with you? Not protein bars?" I asked.

"Well, the shakes are so much quicker to absorb and you might be working up a sweat."

True. I thought. Good point. But seriously! Karen! What the fuck!

She is such a slut!

I don't know...maybe it is just me but I don't think there are any circumstances that I would sleep with someone on the first date. And yes, I am sure there was a time recently when I would have considered otherwise...but today? Now? At this moment? No.

I know that is a backwards way of being, but the truth is...I've had a hell of a year and I'll be damned if I am going to consciously do anything to fuck up what I have now...and while I love men and all and am so infatuated with the idea of being in partnership with someone...I'm leaving town in probably 6 weeks or less and I don't know when I'm coming back. So...

Who knows. Now I might consider other possibilities.

Hard to say....

His ad was funny, and he sent a nice photo.

Either way I am sure we'll have a good time and I'm looking forward to meeting him and dinner at Cafe Maxx. They have beautiful food and an incredible wine list. It will nice to be out and about.

Wish me luck!


Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Let's talk about Sex...

I've changed my routine up a bit since saying goodbye to the beautiful little Black SAAB. My new bike is fast and light and I feel so much freer biking around rather than having the burdon of a car. Sure, I can't get those 5 gallon water bottles filled as easily with my bike, but that is about all I am missing with the car so far.

Part of my changing ways is to stop living at times that are so nonsocial so I am sleeping later and starting my days with the sunrise and then Starbucks. It feels more balanced to me. A nice change.

One of my new friends from Starbucks is the Beautiful Leslie! She is a blond bombshell goddess, personal trainer who is fun, funny and fun loving. She works part-time teaching people how to take care of their bodies and then has her days free to do whatever she likes.

Part of her life since her divorce 3 years ago has been dating the men who visit our Starbucks. There are a lot of cuties who come here and we've been talking about the men. As we've been talking she asked about what kind of writing I've been doing and I pulled up the Dating Quiz.

She wanted to take it so we looked at the first question.


She read that question and totally related to it!

See, I'm not the only one who forgets to ask the last name! She told me a story about a guy she met and dated...a fun story that included lunch and dinner. She and I are very similar in our physical needs meaning we have high frequency requirements for food, activity, creative time and of course sex. We talked about her divorce 3 years ago and not surprisingly her main issue was that her husband didn't want sex often enough.

Now to really appreciate this story, you gotta see this woman! She is fucking BEAUTIFUL! Gorgeous body, blond hair, green eyes...a figure to die for...she is a fucking hottie! She would have stayed in her marriage but the frequency...the frequency...the frequency...

It reminds me of Gianni. He and I never agreed on frequency. I am a frequency woman, he is a quantity man. That is a combination that doesn't really work. Plus I needed to eat a steak and it would have tortured him too much to watch me eat it so we are only friends which is the best solution for all.

Gianni...I will always love you...I hope you stay open for love. You have so much to give....thank you for all your kindness.

Dating and the single Starbucks in Pompano Beach Florida...

I've been watching Leslie and her magical powers over the caffeine addicted men of South Florida and let me tell you, she is a MAN MAGNET!

Today while she was talking to this cutie in a Harvard tee shirt she pulled out an issue of " NRA American Rifleman " magazine. While the Harvard guy went outside to smoke a cigarette (note: Harvard Man is immediately eliminated as a dating companion due to his smoking...poor thing...he has no idea how he will never be laid by this beauty because of his nicotine and alcohol addiction! Keep up the good work sister!) she showed me the Secret Service Agent special she was thinking about buying for only $175.

I've not considered buying a gun before and the only NRA association I've considered belonging too is the National Restaurant Association.

She keeps a gun with her. Hollow tips.

That means if she shoots you, she's gonna leave a big hole.

Good to know.

Look out Harvard Man! If you quit smoking and drinking, start working out a little bit and clean up your act you might be considered...but not today.

Dearest God,

Thank you for bringing my sister Leslie to Starbucks today. Her story inspires me to keep going on my path and to keep dating and meeting people. Her courage and strength are beautiful and she is strong and self-reliant...qualities that I strive for daily. Dearest kind white southern god, please protect the beautiful Leslie as she moves through her daily life meeting men and enjoying the physical aspects of daily life. Protect her so the beastly men who exist stay away from her bright inner light. May she never become prey to the smiling devil. I have danced with the smiling devil and although I do not need a gun today, I can understand her need to own one. Keep her safe.

Oh, and God...while we're praying here today...please guide my fingers to understand the instructions to finger my motherboard so my lovely little computer keeps working and moving fast. And of course protect Anne and please remind her that she's not supposed to be working 15 hours at a polling station for the republican caucus. She needs rest and it is a curse in our family for the women to work too damned much! Thanks for all the treats, coffee, and the sunshine. It will be a lovely day for a swim. Many blessings. Peace. Amen. Namaste.

I am off to enjoy the beautiful day.

So much love...

All the way from here...

Please Finger my Motherboard

I've got computer was bound to happen especially with my music collection. It takes up too much memory.'s mission is to fix the computer. Must find geeks. I bought memory boards that I thought I could install in my motherboard...but now I'm chickening out so I'm gonna call the professionals.

I'm gonna give the Geek Squad a call and see what their rates are like and if it is too much then I have a friend I can call but I don't want to be that long without my we'll see. Plus my friend charges $35/hr. That's the friend rate.

Wish me luck.


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Little Man

My beloved cat, Little Man, ran away the night of my nervous breakdown. I'm not supposed to have animals where I live so I can't post signs but the people are friendly and I live in a really nice neighborhood so I am hoping that someone has found him and is feeding him...not that he needs it. He's a good kittie, very chatty and soft.

I miss him so much.

So does the beautiful Puff.

If you see him, please feed him and let him yell at you. That's just what he does.


I posted a picture of him in my profile.

Dream Date: Spotting for Deer

I've been working on my relationship with my mother for several months now and how I do it is by being honest and true with her. It is not an easy task since we have such a painful history and I excluded her from my life, the truth of what I was doing, for almost 20 there is a lot of rebuilding.

Many topics are off limits with my mom only because they cause her to spin into an anxiety attack and then go into excessive worry mode. I know all about that too because that is what happened to me and why I ended up in a mental ward. I have a lot of clarity around what happened to me now and how to prevent it from happening again....whew! Yes, today will be another good day.

I love to talk about Men with mother. She never remarried after my father left when I was 2 or 3 and she dated some while we were growing up. Mother is still very beautiful although she does not see it in herself. As a young woman she was very popular and exceptionally beautiful in a way that only women from Italy possess. Olive complexion, big dark brown eyes, a noble nose and great smile and laugh. My mother's laugh is recognized everywhere. She loves to laugh and can be very funny, although I don't know if she is always aware of her contribution to humor.

She and I are very similar and I've been fighting this fact for 43 years. Today I accept it.

She likes to go out for breakfast like I do and while she was out the other day, a former school teacher of mine, Mr. King, spotted her. He taught History, Health and Phys. Ed. I think I had him for health class in the 8th grade but I'm not sure. I do know that was around the time that Mom started dating him. She dated several of my teachers while I was in Jr. High. I didn't care but they never gave me better grades.

Mr. King was a tall, good looking solid man. I don't remember anything spectacular about him but I thought he had a kind soul. Sometimes that is enough for a man.

So Mom is out for breakfast the other day and she is looking at this man from across the room. She is checking out his jacket...she thought it was so beautiful with leather and some tweed. The way mother described it to me it sounded kinda gaudy, but it caught her attention so she was eating her oatmeal and noticing it. That's all.

It was Mr. King. He recognized her and came over to her table asking all sorts of questions about her history, her past. Didn't she graduate from Hershey High in 1956? Did she have 3 daughters, two who were twins? Didn't she live off of Nyes road? What kind of work did she find after she left the bank?

He remembered everything and mother was stunned! She had no idea who he was or how he knew these things about her. She finally asked him how he knew all this information and he told her who he was and that they dated.

Mom had no memory of it.

He picked up her check on the table and took it to the cashier and paid for her meal.

I told her that she was just picked up and she needed to pay a little bit more attention if she wanted to start dating again. Well she was flabbergasted with that idea.

"Dating!?! At my age?!? Looking like this?" Mom said.

"Yes Mom. You still got it!" I said.

"Oh, well...I just don't know...." she drifted off in the idea of dating again.

She's gotten so used to the idea of being alone forever that the thought of companionship, friendship really hasn't even entered her mind.

She also failed to recognized how deeply she made an impact on Mr. King and that sometimes he still remembered. Mr. King handled it with dignity but did not ask for her number nor continued the conversation.

Poor Mr. King. I am sorry that my mother is so heartless when it comes to feelings and human beings. It really isn't her fault. She just doesn't understand them or process them the same way.

What my mother does remember was my shop teacher who she dated. I was a bit of a revolutionariness while I was in Jr. High and High School. I was one of the first girls to take wood shop instead of home economics. I already was a great cook by the time I was 12 so I wanted to learn something new and shop was fun! I love working with tools and especially on cars....

My shop teacher, who's name I can't remember so I will call Mr. Shop, met my mom when she was working at the bank. She really liked him and they had chemistry. They dated and she remembers him as being the one that she wanted to marry. Now I don't remember that scenario but that is what she is remembering, so let her have her memories. Naturally she blames the break-up on sisters and I.

Note: This is a common theme with all my mother's stories. The root of all unhappiness lies in the sole responsibility of the girls. Twins and the other one. End of story. While this is nonnegotiable, I do not take it personally. It is just her version of the story. There are so many points of view...if I wait around for us to agree we will never get along so I let it go.

Here's what she remembers so fondly of this guy and why she is mad at us for breaking them up. She said he was the one who took us out spotting for deer....when I know good and well that it wasn't my shop teacher who she's thinking of, she's thinking of some guy I remember named Donnie who chewed tobacco and spit in a can and he insisted we go spotting for deer more than once.

Spotting for deer is something you do in the backwoods of anywhere there is still wilderness and wildlife available. When you are a teenager and Mork and Mindy is on, the last place you want to be is in an old white Chevy Impalla in the mountains with some smelly guy spitting tobacco in a can using a huge spotlight to freeze the deer in the tracks. It seems rather cruel to me.

But mom thought it was a great date and loved it and blames us for breaking that relationship up.



I accept the blame.

But before you condemn me Mother, consider this: If you had married the perfect shop teacher who spotted for deer and spat tobacco, would you have erected that fantastic swing set in your back yard last year? Would you still be getting on this swing with your walker by your side using your cane to push you upwards towards the sky laughing and enjoying the fresh air?


Maybe not.

It's okay if you're still mad at me. I can take it.

All the way down here....

Super Diamond

I'm probably not going to make it to Seattle in time to see Super Diamond perform at the Showbox on March 14th...but who knows?

Super Diamond is this awesome band that plays only Neil Diamond cover tunes. The front man sounds just like Neil when he was in his prime in the 1970's and 80's. I have a lot of respect for Neil Diamond. He is a great song writer although I must admit that I am not too interested in any of his recent works. I can listen to his work up to the Johnathan Livingston Seagull album and then I have my limits.

This band is a mostly west coast experience although they have gigs in NYC and other places too. They are touring nationally now rather than regionally which is what they were doing when I left Seattle in 2001. They are based out of San Francisco and are very tight.

When I see a great band it makes me consider playing and performing again...especially with others.

It inspires me to consider performing but not jazz. I am playing jazz piano now but do it only for me...not intended for the listening public. A fantasy of mine is to have a band and for me to do a bunch of Neil Diamond tunes...maybe call the band, SHE DIAMOND. I'm not sure how to start a band but if I look for housing near the University of Miami...who knows. I can usually find musicians if I'm near a university. Anne Rainbow Shepard and I used to talk about the band and we used to think that it was an all girl band, but I don't know any other female musicians and Anne can't play anything so I'm more inclined to use real musicians and if there are females too, then all the better! But no gender limits in my band.

Yes, I have a lot of creative ideas happening right now and I am painting and writing too. I'm taking as much time as I can to create and rest before heading out west. There is much for me to do too in the way of getting this and that in order but that is falling into place nicely.

Oh, and the leather jacket I'm working on now I've decided to fill with some of my new poetry and quotes. I wrote this awesome poem in the style of Hafiz a couple of weeks ago and I've been painting it in all these brilliant colors. Leather paint color choices are a bit limited however I found a whole line of sparklie shiny paints...not matted and heavy.

I have a vision for the new leather jacket I want painted and it includes the symbols from the back of all mighty dollar bill...pyramid, left eye of horace, you know...light fun stuff. Maybe a snake or serpent? Very different from my last jacket which I gave away. And the brown leather monarch butterfly jacket I sent to Karen so I don't give anymore art away.

It is a bad habit of away my art. I am working on keeping it now. Now, I'm giving away copies...or so I'll try.

Check out this band...they are fun and always have a sold-out show. That is impressive especially in the days of television. It is good for people to get out and see a show. Good for the soul.

Please go watch a band. You'll feel better and will want to perform again.

So much love,
All the way from over here...



take no photo

steal no glance

only gaze

into my eyes

and witness

the beauty

of your

Monday, February 18, 2008

Good News....

Well, it pays to open your mail. I received a notice while I was hospitalized that my case against me from my landlord was ruled in my favor. I wrote the judge after I received the eviction notice stating how I contacted my landlord and tried to work out a rent deal following my LOA, especially since I wasn't receiving any benefits yet and had limited savings. I listed my landlord as a creditor in my bankruptcy and she will receive full benefits from that status on her taxes so if I were evicted and she rented out the place again she would benefit twice from this situation.

The judge ruled on my behalf. However I did state in that letter that I would be out by the 7th of February because that was the day I thought I was flying the landlord has to refile a petition to the courts to have me evicted. However, I listed all the the rent until the end of the lease which is April it looks like I can stay where I am for a little while longer.

This is good news. I'm having the car repossessed today or tomorrow so I don't have to pay for the insurance and I'm buying a bike. I bought one yesterday but you don't really know if it works for you until you ride it and this one is a bit too small for me, so back it goes.

Anyway...I gotta figure out all the trirail stuff to see Dr. Paul but other than that...things are moving smoothly.

I've started painting again. Watercolors and I am painting on that old leather jacket I bought in Vancouver BC back in the late 80's. It's a man's bomber jacket, way too big for me now...and I have a couple of different visions of what I'd like to paint on it...the pyramid but the shape of the jacket isn't really primed for that...I might just start painting all my dancing people again.

Do you remember that series of paintings I did Anne? The dancing people? I have pages and pages of these and think I might work on having an art show...I mean. What the hell? Why not me? I know I am not a skilled painter but it feels good to do the act and to have the paint on my hands and clothes.

Oh, I found at Pearl Art Supply these tiny canvases and I'm thinking about painting something really small. I thought of you and all your tiny art.

I'm so glad you're feeling stronger and your voice is getting so much fuller. Mom was talking about that show that George Norey had on Coast to Coast last week about the heart and all the talk about the valve replacement surgery. She's also been talking to people who have had the procedure done. Mom said that in Seattle there are experimental studies happening with the heart valve and stem cell research.

I'd like to remind you about my burn that happened to me when I was 18 years old. Remember how I had hot grease pour down the front of my body covering my leg? Remember how terrible that burn was and the charred skin that was on my leg? I had to wait over 18 hours for medical treatment because Mom was too freaked out to take me to a hospital and the hotel I was working at didn't have Worker's Comp laws like we have now.

So when I was at the Hershey Medical Center and they had to pull that charred skin off of the top of my right leg from above the knee to nearly the top of my thigh, it was very painful. VERY PAINFUL!!! Remember, I had no drugs because they had to find if there was any nerve damage?

Well, after I signed a release to be a part of medical experiment using the placenta as a natural covering for my leg, I've healed beautifully. You can't even tell that I've had the burn.

My Point?

Check it out. I know you have made your choice with the plastic valve and that is great. I support you in all your decisions, but I am kinda in the middle here with Mom and You and I'd like to be able to share information without being attached to either one of your choices.

So...maybe if you are feeling a little stronger you can ask about the stem sell research at Swedish Hospital. Mom says that you know what to do since you listen to the show too.

Okay...end of lecture.

So what about today?

Small moves...stay true to my path. Do what feels right with the body and call the repo man.

I love you....

all the way from here..

Sunday, February 17, 2008

South Florida Vacation Club

It's Sunday morning and my neighborhood Starbucks doesn't open until 7 AM. Sometimes I go to the one in Ft. Lauderdale on Broward and US 1 because they open at 5:30 on Saturdays and Sundays. They've got great team members there too...I mean I go there sometimes on Saturdays and Sundays or not on the weekends or sometimes just one day and not the other and they always remember me. They always remember what drink I like and they will deliver my drink or snack to my table. Also there's this one guy who works there that is like Johnny Sunshine and he'll come by and make sure my coffee is hot and get me a refill. Seriously great service. Howard should pay attention to that location too.

Anyway, I was up at dark:30 this morning and realized it had been a while since I'd watched the sunrise so I ventured to the beach instead of out for Starbucks didn't open until 7 and the sunrise would happen before that and all. So away I go to the beach.

I love watching the tourists watch the sunrise. There are many locals like me who meet at the Atlantic Blvd beach to watch the miracle of another day being born. It's so funny to watch all the people taking pictures of the beauty and magnificence that happens each morning....even the cold, gray, rainy ones.

Today there was a group of 5 white haired ladies probably in their 50's and 60's...all great friends vacationing together. They walked to the beach benches holding their coffee cups and were dressed in various styles of tee shirts, capri pants, and shorts all the same colors of white and sunshine yellow. Several of them took photos while the sunrise colors fanned the skies.

Pompano Beach is a very clean beach. Each morning around 6:30 AM two tractors comb the beaches picking up debris and smoothing out the sand for another glorious day at the beach. This morning as the tractors started their rounds the group of 5 ladies watched intensely. It wasn't windy this morning so there was no threat of sand in the eyes as the tractor passed by the benches facing the shore. There are always two tractors, one blue and one red, that share the workload of cleaning the beach. Their routine is regular and systematic....very zen actually. I like watching the bumpy dirty beach become a smooth clean place to walk.

The ladies watched the tractors too this morning. I sat several benches away from them where the locals gather to watch the daily rituals. The tourists typically stay on the other side of the benches. This morning there was a person sleeping in a sleeping bag near the lifeguard station just south of the benches. The tractors went their way and the ladies jumped up to watch if the tractor would run over the sleeping being.

The locals and I started laughing out loud. So much fun! Watching the tourists...picture taking trying to capture a Not my medium. But I can understand the attraction...

The ladies watched the tractor miss the body and relieved, they returned to the benches to finish watching the sun rise. I started talking to a local guy who I've seen a lot at Starbucks and at the beach...he rides his bike and is really fit. He's one of these guys who smokes and bikes. God, how I wish I could be a casual smoker....but. That's not my path....sad really. My addiction.

Anyway...the ladies are taking pictures of themselves and one came towards me, the only woman local watching the sunrise this morning, to see if I'd take a picture of them. Of course! I was happy to do it!!!

We jabber-jawed and they were delightful. Two of them live here 3 months out of the year and the other 3 were visiting for 7 days. They were having a blast together as good friends do when they're together at the beach or in a cabin or on a cruise or at someone's really doesn't matter where you are when you are with your friends. God...such a great feeling. That sharing and communing with people you love.

The 5 ladies had 4 cameras and my dream to test out digital cameras came true! Each lady had a different digital camera and I tested each one out seeing how they worked and it was a great lesson. The Nikon (I think) had the best color of capturing the sunrise and the ladies. They were having so much fun and I asked them all sorts of questions. One lady made a sign that said "POMPANO BEACH DAY FOUR".

I asked how many more days were left and they said 3. Soon three of them would be headed back to North Carolina, Missouri and Kansas. I asked them if I could write about them and they said here it is. I asked them if they had a name for their little club and they called themselves The South Florida Vacation Club.

Dottie from Missouri became the natural spokesman for the group.

I told the ladies that I thought that a lot of people belonged to their club. Dottie started shaking her head fiercely. She said, "Oh no...this is our club only!"

I said, 'You know, it's not a very good name. No offense."

She said, "Yes, but it is our name."

I said, "What if others want to join your group? How do you handle that?"

Dottie said, "Oh new members."

I said, "What if it is by invitation only." The ladies looked at each and started nodding as if a silent language had been spoken when they looked into each other eyes.

"Okay." Said Dottie. "By invitation only."

I smiled and felt I had to be honest with the group. I said, "You know, the locals and I over there were laughing at you a few minutes ago when the tractor went by."

They chuckled and Dottie said, "Well, we wanted to see if they'd run over the body."

I said, "Yeah, everyday we hope they run over one, but every day they miss!"

They laughed.

Dearest God...especially the God who listens to white haired ladies at the beach,

Please protect and watch over the kind older ladies of the South Florida Vacation Club. Dearest kind god, please let them remember the blessing they have for creating a clan of women they can relate too and visit with. Community is so important and as we live these lives that lack creative energy, the memory of beauty and truth can become muddled in everyday living. Let them remember that the feeling of being in community when times are hard. May their lives be full of inspiration as the challenges of life babies, sick husbands, lost loved ones, cancer, and all other physical challenges that happen in this world.

Oh sweet merciful goddess, thank you for the kind man this morning too and his comments on my figure. It was much needed and maybe I'll take his suggestion and visit the nudist beach in Miami....but maybe not today. Too much to do, but something to consider.

Ashey. Namasta.