Message Received!

Wow! Thank you Anne!!!

Exactly what I needed...a boundary.

Okay.

Let me sit here for a moment and think because I believe I owe you an apology and I want to preserve our connection because I love you so much...forever, and I know you know that so already I feel much calmer.

Dearest God, Please bless and protect my sister during this most stressful of times...serious health issue. Life and Death. Forgive me for my impulsive behavior. I can see how my impulse caused me to reveal something very private about you and I am so sorry. I vow to never do it again. God, guide me to walk in truth and beauty just like Rob Brezney but with corporate sponsorship like Starbucks since I'm always in their coffee shops anyway and I doubt if I will ever be able to support myself again because I might be crazy, but that is besides the point. I truly will not violate this again. I did it once before and felt terrible. I did it again and I see how I hurt my beloved. I promise to never do it again, and I feel in my body the truth that I will not violate any person's secrete again. Amen. Namasta.

Anne, I would like to share a story about you and I promise to not go too far. I know your boundaries and your secrets and I trust you will tell me when I have gone too far, since you have done so once and know what it feels like. I will not make the same mistake for a 3rd time.

I hope you will trust me to share a story on how you have inspired me...it involves something that I found at Mom's house this past December.

Mom is cleaning out her house and she has 3 piles of stuff in our old bedroom...one for each girl. The rule is that you have to go pick up your stuff and she's got some funny, funky shit I really want, but I can't tell her yet.

I digress.

Mother is so manipulative. I learn from the best, you know.

Anyway, Mom shows me some of the stuff in Anne's pile and I really wanted to get it and bring it or mail it to her...but no. Mom's rule is you gotta go to the house and pick-up your own shit. It really is a good rule but it is kinda pain. Harrisburg PA ain't no Disney Land.

But Hershey Park is only a couple of miles away. And isn't chocolate way better than cartoon rodents? I'd much rather dance with a Mr. Peanut bar than Goofy...well, I might dance with Goofy, but only if I can have a chocolate bar at the same time.

Rules are good.

Mother knows best.

So where am I going with all of this today?

Boundaries.

Message received.

I was waiting for the sign I needed on how to proceed and it just appeared. That's how things have been working for me, for a while now. And since I have had so much happening, I am just enjoying the goodness when it happens....kinda like the Secret but without all the new-age bullshit.

Anne's comments hit me where I have been sitting with my writings. What are my boundaries?
How far am I willing to go? Do I have to slit a throat just to watch him die, or do I know before I make the first cut that he will die right. Do I choose to slice his throat?

Share a secret and tell it to the world?

Luckily, no one is really reading my blog anyway and Anne, I'll go edit it out tomorrow if not later today. I won't humiliate you in public. I know what that feels like.

Time Print:
02/03/08
7:04 AM
Starbucks
Broward Blvd
Ftl FL



Note: Anne, I just removed that thing that upset you. I guess I was afraid to tell you that I think I need to write about sex...and talk about sex. Because I think sex is the root of a lot of these problems and I need to do it publicaly because I believe I am onto something. IT goes all the way back to Adam and Eve and in my insanity, I can see clearly...just like Eckhart Tolle.
I really hope you do forgive me and I promise not to go that far with you again. I love you too much and I know how fragile your heart is...but I see how strong it is. Thank you for telling me your limits. I'll be there soon.

New Rule:

I get to talk about sex
I get to write about sex
I get to have sex
I get to be the one obsessed with sex for a little while

Only here's the thing...

No man can touch me

Except one

But he's gotta be a big, strong man...strongest of them all...and I'm looking for him. I got his scent so I'm following his tail...he's got a nice ass...

I write narrative non-fiction...so how do I tell my stories and not humiliate my lovers in public? See, if you have ever failed on stage...as I have (or so I remember) there is nothing more humiliating than being booed off or rejected by the masses. Not fun. very humiliating.

How do I know?

Oh, the kids at school can be so cruel...but it was great practice!

So, I don't want to reveal my true lover for 3 reasons:

1) He's very shy
2) He's oh so sexy...
3) He is incredibly jealous

He knows I gotta write about this stuff, so we've been working on some rules and here's what we've come up with...

I can write about sex but I cannot use his name at all. I can describe our experience but I cannot put his face on it because it is not his story. He is a brilliant actor/musician/writer/poet so he is willing to act out the scene, only if necessary. I cannot reveal his identity. That's his secret.

Agreed.

Time Print:
02/03/08
7:15 AM
Starbucks


You are no one; no names, but I can call you anything I want. You know how I love to call you my beloved anyway, so I can live with this restriction. It is good for me and perhaps things will change. I am willing to sit still here and see what happens.

Whew! This is good news. I am glad we have come to an agreement because I have been born again and I have to tell my story.

I am a born again virgin.

It's true.

Wait until you see me...

Things have already changed!

I've already planted the seed...things are in motion.

Okay, I have clarity now...I can write from my heart and truthfully and I will not use my beloved's name and only he will know in his body when I am writing about him and I will call him by many names but it is only his body I crave. It is his touch that I desire. It is only him who I want.

That is my wish.

And so it is...