March Fourth

Today is the only day of the year that is a date and a command.

March forth...

I have returned to my neighborhood Starbucks after a 3 day hiatus. My illness is better but I still feel a little woozy. Getting out of the house is good for me...it does a number on my mind when I am left alone for too long. I really do not do well without community, even if this community is one that I do not relate too on many levels. I am okay with this coffee community of mine and will miss them when I am gone next week.

If it weren't for Karen's phone calls every day, I'd probably gone out of my mind a long time ago. She and I were talking about her love for Dr. Dave and Mr. Sculley...again. She is still sleeping with Mr. Sculley even after the big "talk" about how she doesn't feel the same way about him the way she feels about Dr. Dave. She's in love with Dr. Dave. Period. When you are in love you know it and she accepts that this is what she feels for him even if he is not available for her. I think it is a break-through for her to admit it and accept the love she has for him. I believe he loves her too.

In the meantime, she is still seeing Mr. Sculley.

Sculley gave Karen a long, beautiful speech saying that he couldn't be her 2nd choice that included tears and both of them feeling touched...and she wanted tell him that she was in love with him but it isn't true so she didn't. The speech reminded me of "When Harry Met Sally" when Meg Ryan tells Billy Chrystal that she doesn't want to his second choice. It is touching and sincere, I am sure and yet he continues to drink and sleep with Karen.

I doubt if her behavior is helping him to quit drinking. Especially since he still drinks when she isn't around.

Who knows...I cannot judge their relationship. I think she is having the type of 2-man relationship that has worked for me in my past (scientist and mechanic.) She still talks and spends time with Dr. Dave and in the evening she sleeps with Mr. Sculley. She keeps her heart protected from Sculley. He is still active in his alcoholism and quite frankly, I don't think I could do it with a drunk...I don't care how politically involved he is! But he doesn't drink when she is with him and she believes that she can help him and his alcoholism.

I told her to go to some Al-Anon meetings. Maybe that would change her mind.

I asked her what she does with Mr. Sculley. Do they go out? What do they do, exactly?

"Mostly, we hang out, I get naked a lot of the time and we watch a movie and have sex." She said.

"How's the sex been?" I asked.

"Okay. Better than with Dr. Dave. He's so old, you know." She said.

Dr. Dave was 12 years her senior which put him well into his 50's. Mr. Sculley was in his mid-40's. And with Dr. Dave's porn addiction he has a lot of hang-ups and things he wants to try only because he's seen them online or in movies or whatever. Honestly, for as spiritually evolved Karen is, I don't understand why she settles for these kinds of mediocre sexual relationships. But that human fear of not being with someone can be overwhelming. That intimacy she craves is not being met in these men...either one of them, and yet she continues to be with both of them than set them free to find the person that does really meet her needs.

"How can you sleep with all these old guys Karen?" I asked.

"I don't know." She said. "It just kinda happened."

She's complained to me before that her needs aren't really getting met by either one of these men. She also acknowledges that they are both a distraction from her doing her real work. Karen is looking at the work she is doing and how she can grow in a new direction with her yoga practice and her artwork. She is a brilliant artist and is now making jewelry in addition to her clothing line and paintings.

The longer she puts this energy into these men and not into her craft and vision for her life, the longer she will stay in limbo.

The real question is one that I answered a long time ago:

Does she continue to have mediocre sex with mediocre men or does she keep herself available for the person who I know exists, somewhere?

Karen has chosen the easy, mediocre path and I love her for it. She has done it with consciousness. She knows that there is someone else out there for her and she has said that if Dr. Dave wanted to leave Gayle and get in a committed relationship with her that she'd really have to think about it. She doesn't even know if that is what she truly wants.

It is so easy to take a second choice rather than be with who you are and your beliefs.

It reminds me of a story I heard somewhere about a university professor who announced to his class before a test that if they wanted to accept a "C" that they were excused from the test and could leave now. The students looked at each other and about half the class gathered their belongings, packed up for the day and left. The professor took their names and guaranteed them a "C" for their work and told them to enjoy the day.


The students sat waiting for the test and the professor passed them out, face down and asked them not to turn them over until he said so. When they did, the test had one sentence on the page. It said, "Congratulations, you have received an A."

The point, sure...you can settle...but what happens if you hold onto your vision? Your ideals? What happens when you are open to the posiblity of more?

The American (you remember Leslie and her United Nations of Men?) said to me last week, "You gotta kiss a lot of frogs."

I replied to him, "Really? I disagree."

I don't believe I have to keep on kissing frogs...unless if they have villas in France, then maybe I'll kiss some of those kinds of frogs, but the average, mediocre frogs?

No Thank You!

Go ahead and kiss your mediocre frogs Karen. It is cold in Connecticut and I've been to your apartment...its drafty too! Kiss on sister.

I'll keep the vision alive while you do your thing.

So much love,
All the way from here,
Linda