It's easy to see why Kurt Cobain killed himself

I used to blame Courtney Love for Kurt Cobain's suicide, but after being here a couple weeks in Seattle...I can see why he did it.

I notice that without the sun and even with the light box, that the weather and the social pressures are high standards to live up to. Perhaps I am experiencing culture shock. It is so different from South Florida. I am thankful for that and yet there is an edge to the East Coast that is missing here. There is an honesty in the people and how they express themselves so freely. I am glad about the recycling and that the caring for the environment is happening with such consciousness. I wish that philosophy would spread to the South East, but the energies here are in such opposition from where I've been for the last 3 1/2 years. Yes, I am sure I am experiencing culture shock.

I remember when I first moved to Seattle in 1986, coming from NY and going into a 7-11 to buy a pack of Newport's. I was a menthol smoker back then. It would take me a few more years and a love affair with John Coltrane before I started rolling my own cigarettes. I walked into the convenience store and said, "Newport's. Hard box." And the clerk said, "Well good morning! How are you today?" I looked around me to see who he was talking to and saw it there was no one else there but me and I gingerly replied ala Robert De Niro like 'You talking to me?' and said, "Fine? Why?"

The clerk replied, "Well, you must not be from around here! That's just how we are!"

It took me 2 years to get used to that attitude and it took about 20 minutes of working in Boca Raton, Florida to raise those walls around me again.

Once those walls came down, Seattle really became my home. And once you move away from home, it is hard to go back....no matter if it is beautiful, green, recycling, liberal, coffee soaked, delicious beer paradise.

I talked to Karen about it this morning. I was in a funk and had yet another headache...the same headache that I wake up with everyday. I was uninspired to write and I was delighted when she called.

I asked her, "How did we do it here? How did we not kill ourselves? I remember we were so happy when we lived here. How did that happen with all this horrible weather?"

She said, "We were drunk a lot, remember?"

"Oh yeah!" I said. "That is the secret of living here!"

Karen remembered, "You know, I had really bad self-esteem there too...the beautiful people having perfect, little babies and feeding them all the perfect food, recycling everywhere, perfect jobs, perfection everywhere...it is hard to live up to."

I nodded and watched how my fragile self-esteem had dwindled since my arrival in this beautiful city. This city is packed with energy and old memories too that I wasn't ready to relive.

Thus the need for all the great beer and necessity for excellent coffee. Living by beverages is what it takes to be a survivor in this area. I have had a few beers since I've been back and they are delicious indeed. But the lack of sunshine? It makes it harder to exercise outside....so frikking cold!

I have the light box on now. These are boxes that many Seattlelites use to keep depression at bay. They are supposed to simulate natural sunlight and I guess, give you the will to live.

There are a lot of social pressures here in Seattle too, especially to vote for Obama. He is the leading candidate here and there is a lot of support for him here. I am not convinced that he is the best person for the job. I'm not convinced that Hillary is right either, and if it falls into the lap of McCain...god have mercy on all our souls. But mention that you don't support Obama and then you are in a heated conversation and feeling pressured to vote for him. That ain't right. I believe that there is so much support for Obama here because Seattle is so segregated, still, in this day and age, that the white upper class here feels responsible to support Obama as if it takes away the passive-aggressive racism that is rampant in great Seattle.

I notice that there are many Asian women with white men and have yet to see an Asian man with a white woman.

People are not able to walk in public without a 16 ounce cup of coffee. You will be ticketed if you don't have one.

Maybe all I need is a hot sauna and a couple shots of bourbon to get back on track.

Will the sun ever shine again? Pray for me and my pathetic whining. I am so lucky and so fortunate to be alive that this little cold distraction will too pass. I am so grateful that my sisters are both alive and well and that the little dogs that live in this house have stopped barking at me for 20 minutes every time I arrive. I am grateful that I am not called to relocate here. That is the best feeling of all. I know I am done with Seattle and that I am lucky enough to have found an awesome acupuncturist and am doing great healing here...and that this is just a part of my healing.

Thank you god. Thank you thank you thank you for the freezing cold, the pretentious people and the return of my coffee addiction. All thoughts of smoking are gone since I'd have to do it outside and that is inspiration to stay away from all cigarettes. A blessing for sure.

So much love,
Freezing, over here...
Linda