Sunday ,Sunday, part II

The snow has changed to freezing rain. I've had three cups of coffee and am still at Cafe Ladro in Fremont. I parked several blocks away and can't bring myself to take the urban hike to the car to get back to Anne's place to gather my things to move over to Lisa's place to live with the dogs, so I decided to post again. I've not posted enough this week anyway.

I had my astrology chart read this week, hoping for insight and direction but getting more of the same lesson that all have given me: you know what to do Linda, so just do it. What a lame message. Robert did an aspect on my chart that I wasn't expecting but really enjoyed which was a reading on my karmic path. he said it was my karmic destiny to be in relationship with someone and that if I truly didn't want to reincarnate anymore I needed to take on a partner; that the time was right for me and partnership and that it was time I did it.

Well, talk about a kick in the pants! Shit! I had really gotten used to the idea of a solo existence and personally like the idea of it but he said I had way too much happening in my Venus and that men couldn't help but be attracted to me. Yikes! Oh shit Robert! Stop it! So then he said that I was stopping all of it. I was stopping the flow and chi and that I continued to attract alcoholic men because I was trying to get my father's attention.

I hadn't told him anything about my childhood, father, mother, sisters...nada. I guess it's not hard to figure out that I am a child of an alcoholic, but I wasn't really ready to hear that info so directly...not that he was wrong, mind you. It's been a challenge for me to meet people (I like to lie to myself and here's another one...) because I don't want to do it in a bar. I've gotten a handle on my drinking and don't want another drunk.

Poor Karen and Sculley. He's getting out of Rehab today and she's put all this time and energy in helping him since he's been hospitalized and then into rehab. God only knows what's gonna happen now that he's out and has to live the life outside a structured environment. Plus she's put all this energy into him, helping him in hopes of what! I ask her, what is she looking for? Why is she putting herself in this situation so fast after the whole Dr. Dave incident? She don't know.

Robert went on to tell me that I have so much watery influences from my Pisces moon and I guess Neptune is in conjunction with my sun...whatever that means...he says it explains why I have such low self-confidence and that Neptune is the all embracing influence on universal love; the removal of the self to be of service to others and it is in deep contradiction to my Leo sun.

Yada yada yada yada

It's sleeting now.

Robert went onto say that I was an artist and it was time to embrace that...not a manager. Not a business leader (I get that now! No more nervous breakdowns needed to learn that lesson!) and that it was time to come into my own.

Talk about pressure!

He also didn't believe me when I said I hadn't been in relationship with anyone for years. Oh sure, I've had my psychic relationships with Jay but he was going through his divorce and all and couldn't imagine me in his suburban life with his awesome kitchen. Too bad. I really, really like Jay. Dearest Jay...I hope you are well and healing nicely.

So someone new, Robert says. He says my issues with commitment are all fear based. What a fucker. So on target. So accurate. So affordable. Oh, I didn't mention that he was quite easy on the eyes. Thank you Anne Rainbow Shepard for the referral.

What now? More ads online? More doing what? How do people meet people? Dance classes? Gyms? Coffee shops?

Oh lord, I don't know. It is so intimidating and I feel really out of practice. Plus there are a lot of men that I am not interested in at all. I mean I got to have the intellectual/creative/music connection not to mention the physical attraction and chemistry. Is it possible?

I was talking with my sister Lisa about this. She's been married twice and really wants to be in partnership too. She does all those things that people say to do...she takes dance lessons and is quite the dancer now, she is open and friendly; has a willingness to be connected and she hasn't found anyone yet either. I told her how the physical thing is important to me and she challenged me on my ideals asking me, "Couldn't you meet someone who you aren't initially attracted to and as you get to know each other learn to be attracted to him?" I said "no." I think that is bullshit. I think both people need to have a physical attraction; that the physical is a big part of the intimacy of relationship.

I believe that as we get to know each other deeper, the attraction deepens. I say why limit yourself and why not find someone you are attracted? For me the intellectual attraction has to be strong...and there has to be a lot of laughter too because this world is too full of suffering and if all the Mayan calendars are right then we only have a couple more years anyway, so what the fuck are we waiting for?

What if the Mayan calendar is right and that all life as we know it ends on May 5th, 2012? That is just four years away! Hell, I could finish a degree by then and then what?

You know, thinking about this possibility; the end of the world on May 5th 2012 brings a lot of relief. What if I just focus on that...on those dates and live it up until then? It helps me deal with the IRS audit and all my paperwork faux pas as of late...hmmmm.

Anne, I'm sure you've got a take on this, being a Coast to Coast producer and all. Maybe that is the way...focus on the Mayans. Maybe I should head back into the jungle.
I'm sure Robert would say that was not the right course of action. Salsa lessons is what he suggested. I would, I tell you, but I have such a hard time learning how to follow...and I need a really great pair of shoes to do that kind of dancing. But it would be nice to be moving my hips again.

Okay, I'll consider Salsa lessons again.

Dear God,

Please help me find a really awesome pair of shoes to Salsa in and maybe a class that is on the bus route so I don't have to worry too much about being out late at night in dance halls and may I find what ever I am looking for to get this Karmic wheel moving forward and in the right direction. Thank you for all the lessons as of late and all the wheat-based treats. I especially have loved the beer and bread, but seriously, let's take a break from it all. It's doing nothing for my figure and skin.

And God, sorry about the write-ups and Memos. I know that was a harsh step for me to take but I really felt like I had no choice in the matter, so you know, I did what I did. All's forgiven? I will accept an answer in sunshine.

You know I love ya god and am willing to do whatever you say...

Hey god! The sun just came out! thanks man! Okay...I'll go on my way.
Ashey. Namaste.

So much love,
All the way down in this cup of coffee,
Linda