Embracing Mediocrity

“Mediocrity is self-inflicted. Genius is self-bestowed.”

Walter Russell

I have felt completely uninspired and mediocre in my writing as of late and know that it is self-inflicted. There have been many personal issues that have been happening in my immediate life that I have not wanted to share online, especially since installing the hit-counter last week. I am amazed that over 100 people have visited my tiny blog in less than one week and I think I've gotten a bit shy about sharing.

The reality is that I have no clue at what I am doing; what my next step is in life. I've visited shaman, medicine women, acupuncturist, psychotherapist and they all say I am to simply sit and wait. Wait for what? I do not know. Being a woman of action, I find this simply allowing life to unfold to be unnerving.

I am living in Anne's tiny one room in a boarding house, sleeping on the floor on top of two twin bed egg-create foam paddings. My body hurts all the time because my old sciatica nerve has been acting up since I've returned to Seattle and I have been stopping breathing again in my sleep. These are old patterns of mine that I developed as a child that I believe are related to my healing old trauma. What I find most fascinating is witnessing the pain come and go in my back.

It is debilitating at times, sending lightening bolts of pain down my right leg at any time for any reason...getting in and out of the car, standing, sitting, it doesn't really matter. I had a pretty intense session with the psychotherapist this week. She practices Hakomi techniques which is similar to shamanic soul-retrievals. She says I am a natural at it and I feel it working. What is most interesting with this technique is how much better the physical body feels after the session. I noticed that all my back pain left completely following our session for several hours..and then I received a phone call from a friend who told me they were jealous of my life and my back started hurting again.

The Hakomi technique uses breath and supervision to speak with the emotion that is overpowering the body. The idea is that the person has been hijacked by an emotion that is stuck in time and space. It is a way of time-traveling to identify and nurture the old pain that is being triggered by a certain situation. Really incredible stuff too. What I find most interesting is that I have no idea what the emotion is until the therapist starts to ask it questions and we start talking to it. Essentially it is recognizing, acknowledging the emotion and asking it what it needs.

I am a survivor of server trauma of all kinds; physical, sexual, mental, emotional. The memories that have been coming up are old and are from my early childhood. I have many "missing" years from my youth due to the severity of the violence and when this technique is used, it is to heal these old wounds.

Not a roll in the hay to say the least.

But it is important to heal and I am grateful that I have been given this time and space to do so. Naturally, a lot of issues have come up around my sisters since we are all together again for the first time in a very long time.

I am often asked, what it is like having twin sisters. I guess you can say it is good and it is bad. My sisters are mirror image identical twins which means you cannot get more identical than what they are. If you looked into a mirror, one is right handed, the other left. I look at it as them each having their own point of view, however each is on the extreme. Now, as adults, they are still opposites and yet they are able to live together...temporarily at least, while Anne heals from this surgery.

My mother was very overwhelmed when we were growing up. My father was a violent alcoholic and there was much brutality on his part towards her during my early developmental years. That in addition to her being overwhelmed with twin toddlers and my birth left little room for my being. I learned early on how to take care of myself and developed a very strong "inner guidance" or voice. This higher voice taught me a lot and I had an imaginary friend, George, for may years. He stayed with me until I was eight years old when one night I looked up at the night sky, saw the stars and realized that we were apart of something much greater than ourselves.

That was when he left and I started to see tiny particles, like the size of atoms but smaller, and I became fascinated with science. I told mother that I could see atoms if I closed my eyes just so and focused my attention not straight ahead, but peripherally. I could see the reality shift and the illusion of this reality in another dimension. I began writing NASA and asking a lot of questions about flight and science. My mother did not know what to say to this and told me I had an active imagination and none of that was real. Many, many years later I learned to develop this technique to shift into altered states of consciousness. Working with John Two Birds helped me to understand this shifting of realities. Shape-shifting happens in this reality, lucid dreaming, witnessing ghosts, spirits...all that "crazy talk" happens in this space. It is a powerful reality and I do not practice it alone these days. I have not felt in my power enough to insure my personal safety.

So why do I write about it today? Because I have been feeling like I am holding back. It is time to not do that anymore. It is time to embrace this spirit world. The land is so powerful here, I hear it calling and lulling me into deep sleep to be with it privately. How great are the spirits that dwell in these massive trees. The native spirit is strong here and I hear it calling.

Will I study with this new shaman? He says I do not need to and that I already have the answers but if I want his guidance, that he is there for me.

I do not know.

What I really would like, God, is another camper to go into the woods to hear spirit speaking again. It is so loud in the city and I know it will be cold again soon, but I am willing to camp in the wilderness with you to hear you calling me.

So if it is to be and if it is for the highest good for all the people, everywhere, another camper will manifest itself for me to be with the trees. For now, I will settle for my mediocre writings and tell my inner critic to take the day off. I've done enough for one day.

So much love,
All the way from over here,
Linda