Lions and Tigers and Bears...oh my! Part II

The idea to spray paint my shoes silver came in a dream. When spray painting your shoes be sure to do it outside, preferably in a rest stop or McDonald's parking lot. I choose McDonald's because they usually have clean bathrooms and they are easy to use. Most McD's have side entrances near their restrooms and you don't feel guilted into buying anything. I've been asked why not use the truck stops? Truckers are our friends and some of them don't take kindly to spray paint so it is best to keep your shoes pretty in other places, plus the impression the paint leaves on the asphalt makes your mark. In my case, in size 12 shoe silver prints. Karen's were size 9.

It is a very subtle form of vandalism; painting your shoes on asphalt.

Having silver clogs in the camper was very handy too for quick trips in and out of the vehicle. Everyone wanted to put them on too. Something very enticing about metallic silver wooden clogs.

Back to the retreat center...I was cleaning out the camper on my third day, mid-afternoon following lunch and a walk. It was a beautiful sunny, warm June day. I had quite a bit of food with me, fresh fruits and vegetables that I gathered to bring as a donation to the kitchen at the center. Blankets, clothing, pillows, towels were everywhere as I liked to get messy before cleaning. Having been parked for a few days and in no need of personal ID or keys, things were not organized or easy to find. That is part of the fun of camping someplace for a few days; the letting go of all personal identity.

I took a break from cleaning, opened the back of the camper and installed the screen and lay down to take a nap. A while later I was awakened by someone rocking the camper. It felt like someone was standing on the front of the bus, like a kid looking inside. I hadn't put up the curtains since I was so far into the woods so I jumped out of bed and rushed forward to the front seats. I didn't see anybody outside, but I heard foot steps on the driver's side of the bus so I looked out the pop-top, unzipping the flap and didn't see anyone.

The footsteps quickened and I looked out the back of the bus and there was a bear! A brown bear about six feet tall, an easy 400 pounds with huge paws was looking right inside of the opened end off the back of the bus. I yelled at it, "Don't come in! Don't come in!" and he backed away moving to the passenger side of the bus which was also open. He stopped at the open door and I grabbed a bunch of bananas and waved them under his nose and said, "Want a banana? Go get it!" and I threw the bunch as hard as I could about 20 feet away from where I was parked. He looked at me in the eyes, then over at the bananas then back at me and he trotted over to the fruit.

Here's a fun fact: A bear does not eat a banana the same way that you or I or even a chimp would. He didn't pull it off the bunch and peel it. He kept the bananas together and peeled the fruit from the bottom, eating it and then taking his 5 inch long claw and scraping the inside of the peel...which is an excellent source of potassium.

Note to self: remember to start scraping the inside of the banana skins with a spoon after eating the fruit. Yummy stuff in there!

Being in nature and having spent such lovely time in the Redwoods, I went into my Mother Earth Goddess mode, praying to God and the universe in gratitude for bringing me this beautiful bear; witnessing the life and the symbolism. Bear medicine in Native American teachings reminds us that we all need to hibernate, allow for space to unfold around us to have our creativity marinate...allow time to let the messages unfold. I stayed in prayer thanking God for this beautiful reminder, that I welcomed it and was grateful.

About that time, a car drove up and saw the bear and the open back-end of my bus. The woman pulled up close and with her window rolled down said to me, "There is a bear right there and your back is open!" I said, "Yes. I'm afraid to open the door and get out to close it." She nudged her door closer to the back of my van and carefully closed the back of the bus telling me to be safe and drove away.

I resumed to prayer and observation of the bear. Then I thought, "Damn. That's a pretty big bear. He's not gonna be satisfied after a few bananas." and I started looking around at what other food I could offer him. And I was right. He finished the bananas and came back to the side of the camper, which was now closed, and put his claws on the side of the bus, looked inside at me with a quizzical look that said, "What else you got inside there lady?"

I found a cucumber and unzipped the top flap and tossed it out about the same distance as the bananas and the bear went after the item. Here's another fun fact: Bears do not like cucumbers. Giving him healthy greens was an insult after those tasty bananas. He wanted something sweet and delicious and an English Cucumber didn't cut the grade! Now he got pissed, returned to the side of the van and with both paws on the side pulled the passenger side towards him.

The bus moved down and that was when I lost my Earth Goddess crap and fell into City Panic! "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!" I yelled. "WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?" I start crying in full panic. I rustle through the camper and found some almonds. I threw them at the bear, but all strength had failed me and it was like a sprinkling of nuts at the side of the van. I ducked back inside and found some prunes and the same thing happened. As I tried to throw them it was as if I were a two year old with a Nerf ball...poof. Right there, next to me. The harder I tried to throw them far away from me, the less strength I had. The dried fruit simply landed next to the van for the bear and he casually sniffed and picked them up as fast as I dropped the fruit.

The bear liked the prunes and almonds and scavenged around as I hit full-blown anxiety attack. "WHY GOD WHY GOD WHY?" I cried. I found a camera and decided people should know how I died and took pictures of the bear. I thought this is it. I'm gonna die and I said to God, "Well God, this is it. I am a dead woman! Might as well let people know that yoga didn't kill me. A bear did." And with my disposable camera I snapped a couple of shots of the big boy next to the camper just as he came up for more fruit and nuts.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!" I yelled.

Then off in the distance I heard a voice. It said, "ARE YOU OKAY?"

I yelled back, "YES!" rising to peek out of the top flap to see who it was. The retreat center leader was about a city block away with a group of people with him, about half a dozen or so. He said, "ARE YOU FEEDING THE BEAR?"

"YES!" I yelled back.

"STOP FEEDING THE BEAR!" He yelled.

Stop feeding the bear! What a good idea I thought to myself! Why didn't I think of that! Stop feeding the bear! Right! Stop it!

"Okay!" I yelled back. "I HAVE STOPPED FEEDING THE BEAR!"

"GOOD" he said. "NOW DRIVE AWAY!"

Ah ha! Of course! Drive away! Why hadn't I thought about that? Yes! Drive away! That's what I was supposed to do! I pulled the popped top down and started the frantic search for the keys! Where the fuck were the car keys? Why was this camper such a mess? Why didn't I keep it tidier before taking a nap? The keys! Why didn't I leave them in the ignition? That would be a good place after all since it is safe out here...EXCEPT FOR THE BEARS! HOLY SHIT THERE IS A BEAR WHERE ARE THE FUCKING KEYS? WHERE ARE THE KEYS?

I found them in a cupboard drawer, threw the mess behind me and started the engine. As soon as the Malibu Stacey Funtime Camper spurted out her black-smoked hello, the bear ran about fifty feet away and scaled a tree. I drove over to the director and he jumped into the passenger side of the van wile the rest of the group headed back to the retreat center. He was a kind, smart man who was concerned about my emotional state following such an experience and he did some therapy on me. Then another therapist came out to the bus when we were back at the center and she sat with me for an hour or so while I cried and pulled myself together.

"Mountain Lion! Why wasn't it a Mountain Lion?" I asked over and over. I was ready for a lion. I didn't stick around for the bear lecture. Then I would have been ready. In the over thirty years of operation at the retreat center, on the beautiful wilderness land, there had never been a bear encounter with a guest of the center. They knew there were bears out in the woods and sometimes they visited the residences but never had a guest had an encounter. Another first!

My silent personal retreat was shot after that. I became the "Bear Lady" and I was asked to tell the story over and over during circles, after afternoon prayer times, in the evenings following dinner; I became that person all the guests wanted to sit with during dinner and lunch to hear the story so they would have a good story to tell their friends and family when they finished their vacation. My private, quiet retreat had turned out quite to be quite the opposite. I didn't find my courage to sleep back in the woods during my stay there choosing to "camp" in the parking lot under big florescent yellow lights.

When I got back to Seattle and shared my tale, I received the same two questions from men and women. The women asked me, "Didn't you have a cell phone?" No. No cell phone and what good would it have done me if I were in the middle of nowhere? The retreat center operated mostly off the grid so who would I have called? 911?

The men asked me, "Didn't you have a gun?" No. No gun. And what was I supposed to do with that? Shoot a bear? On sacred land? That seemed as crazy to me as a cell phone!

No, feeding the bear. That was the only thing that made sense at the time. It must be from all the culinary training...feed the people, feed the bears. Just keep feeding them. Today, when I look back on this story it is a great lesson that I had to learn the hard way. When faced with a bear you can do a lot of things. You can feed the bear and keep the fear and panic around or you can find your keys and simply drive away.

So much love,
All the way from over here,
Linda