Jerome's taken a fall. He's not here for coffee this morning. He hasn't answered his phone in 18 hours and one of the guys saw his van outside of Pat's Place, a local sports bar. He's off the wagon and has reasons for all of his actions. He is newly sponsored by Ed and has been in the program a few weeks. Word on the street is that Jerome's got a lot of stuff happening and he met a new woman.
"Let me tell ya..." Ed says, "Only a drunk can justify everything that they're doing to convince themselves that it's okay to keep drinking. Especially if they've already started recovery."
The silent men nod in agreement. Ed continues, "It's the human condition...justification. And let me tell you, any little thing can be the reason to start drinking again. Your girlfriend breaks up with you, you meet a new girl, you got a new car, you lose a car, it makes no difference. Win or lose causes the same reason to drink. At some point you come back to the program or you die. End of story."
The somber mood stays in the space as silent men reflect. Jerome's fall could be any one of them..not answering phone calls, avoiding the guys of the program, not showing up for coffee...coffee is the life-saving beverage in the AA community.
"It is what it is and we watch others and continue on our road to sobriety." Ed concludes. The men agree and thank god they made it in for coffee today.
"Hey, who's dat guy? I know him. I seen him." Ed asks the group. A young, thin tattooed guy with ear piece dangling orders coffee at the counter.
"Aye, YO!" Ed yells the international Italian words for, 'Excuse me, Sir!'
The skinny guy points at his chest and sleepily says, "Who me?"
Ed says, "Yeah you. I know you. Come over here and sit down. Where you going?" The young man does as he's told and introduces himself to the group.
"I'm Dave." he says quietly and stands and shakes everyone's hand in the group. I sit behind them and he looks over at me. I look up from my writing and nod and smile hello. And just like that, a new member joins the group.
"We're here everyday so come join us for coffee if you want. They open at 5:30." Ed informs the newbie and he nods knowing that he's found a safe place to go when insomnia hits at 3 AM. Knowing that Starbucks opens in another hour or so will help the time pass more quickly.
"So it's my birthday today." Ed announces to the group and the newbie. "Hey Linda, you know it's my birthday today?"
"Happy Birthday Ed!" I say. "You don't look a day over 42!"
"Fuck you Linda!" The guys are laughing and so is Ed. "Okay, okay. It's official. You're officially in the group now Linda!"
Whew....tough initiation! Thank you God for my sharp wit!
Chandler gets up to leave and stops by my table to hold my hand, as he does every day, for a few moments before he heads off to the meeting.
"Chandler, I'm leaving." I quietly tell him. "I'm going to miss you terribly but it is urgent that I leave and help my sister heal in Seattle. In a couple weeks I won't be here for coffee everyday."
His eyes fill with tears and I can see how deeply he feels.
"I will miss your beauty every morning and I will think of you everyday." he says. "You'll be alright." he adds with a squeeze to my hands. He sees that I'm afraid. My eyes fill with tears too and time stops as we hold hands and feel the resistance to our separation and acceptance of what is.
"I wanted you to be the first to know, Chandler." I say holding back tear drops. "I hope we have coffee together before I leave. You can always sit at my table if you like."
He nods and we hold hands in silence for a little while longer.
"I'll see you tomorrow." he says, opens the door and leaves without saying goodbye to the group.
Dearest God,
Thank you for all the alcoholics everywhere. These men have been a saving grace in my life and I appreciate their stories, love and acceptance. May they stay true to their sober paths...give them courage to face their demons and look them in the eye. May they see that all they fear is looking into their own souls. Dearest healing energies, thank you for Big Eddie and all his healing work. Teachers come in all forms Spirit and I accept the teachings of humility, vulnerability and perseverance with unwavering faith. Also God, thank you for the attention from a huge source of testosterone. It was long overdue! Thank you thank you thank you! Also, thanks for all the coffee and delicious sandwiches. Oh, and dearest God, please protect Big Eddie as he flies up to visit Uncle Jack in the big house....keep him warm and safe. And keep the Feds off his ass, unless if they've really got something big to pin on him, like murder, but he ain't the type God...he's the brains, not the brawn and he's doing such great work on the outside...let's keep him here. So much love for you God and all the helpful spirits everywhere. Thank you thank you thank you. Ashey. Namaste.
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