Big Ed and the Men II

I am a basketball woman. I love the fast-paced action, the offensive innovation, the defensive strategies, the skill required to dribble and run at the same time, the anticipation of making a shot before time runs out in the key, the challenge of making a free throw with 40,000 eyes watching...the pressure....the excitement! Yes, I am a woman of basketball.

I don't know nothing about no football.

Football attracts a different kind of man than basketball. In 1995, researchers from Georgia Statue University conducted a study to see if testosterone levels were affected in men while they watched football. The study found that testosterone levels increased 25% in the men who's team won and the loosing teams' fans had their testosterone levels decrease by the same amount. The feelings of loss, apathy and depression also afflicted the men of the loosing team while increased sexual activity and energy was associated with the men of the winning team. This study used the international sport of football to qualify their findings. I cannot find any supporting evidence that the type of game played effects the effects. I wonder if competitive chess creates the same testosterone levels as in American Football.

Big Ed enters Starbucks on fire. Over the weekend the living room area has been rearranged from its regular "L" shape to the new "conversation zones".

"What the fuck happened here?" he yells while handing white envelopes to Boston Mike, Joey the Whale and Connecticut Nick.

The men watch Ed carefully wondering if this is an example of atonement, one of the steps in the program.

"Go ahead and open 'em fellas, you're with friends" Ed tells the three softly. The Barista hands him his usual quad espresso with two Splendas.

"What you get?" he asks Boston Mike.

Mike reads from his card, "My condolences to you, in your time of sorrow. May your heart be comforted today and tomorrow. Signed Eli Manning.”

He's the NY Giants quarterback.

Joey the Whale reads, "Gentle thoughts during these difficult days…May you endure these days of loss and reach a place of understanding. From Tom Coughlin."

He's the NY Giants Head Coach.

The room is full of sarcastic sympathy interjected with boisterous laughter.

Connecticut Nick reads his card, “At times like these it is hard to find the words to say how sorry we are, our thoughts are with you. Signed The Entire NY Giants Defense.”

Ed puts his arm around Connecticut Nick's shoulder and says gently, "The team really feels bad for what they did to you Buddy but they gotta do what they gotta do. Now give me my fifty fuckin' bucks."

Big Ed says, "Man you shoulda seen me last night. I was a fuckin idiot during that fuckin game. Screaming my ass off...I shit my pants during that game. I was throwing shit across the room. The dog's all freaked out and I'm throwing shit at the television."

Joey the Whale interrupts in disbelief, "Fuckin Butterscotch? On the fuckin morphine patches? You scaring your own dog? That sick fuckin drugged out dog?"

"Yeah! That fuckin doped up Motherfuckin dog! I tell ya I was a fuckin lunatic! My wife's yelling at me from the other room to shut the fuck up. She can't fuckin be with me 'cuz I'm such a fuckin idiot! Listen up fellas," Ed leans in and a dose of wisdom is about to pour out of his mouth.

“I teach all my little sponsores a lesson in humility. For the love of God, we gotta be humble for all those fuckin losers out there!” he says. "Wide open they ran! Did you see the other dude on the fly pattern? 15 yards away. I was a fuckin basket case." he was pointing and laughing, arms raised high remembering touch downs.

The men relive moments from the game.

Chandler clears his throat and proposes to the group,"Don't you think there is something to be said for blind faith and team loyalty up until the end?" He has a strong philosophical side that longs to be understood.

"Team loyalty? Team loyalty my ass. Jerry Jones ain't got no loyalty to this team. Who you think he gonna can? He's gotta can someone's ass. Who you think it's gonna be?" Ed and the men drift off into the Dallas Cowboy team structure and delightful speculation about who will be fired following this game. The coach? No, it was a beautiful game plan. The defensive line? No, they played a good game.

"It's all that fuckin' Tony Romo!" exclaims Boston Mike.

"When it was fuckin over," Ed says, "I had ta lay down and wait for my fuckin heart come back to a regular beat! The wife was brings back the remotes 'cuz she hides them now. I broke too many of them and now I gotta watch the game in the bed room ‘cuz there’s too much shit to break in the living room. And I start thinking about those fuckin morphine patches!"

The men agree and understand the need for morphine when a team looses. Ed's wife arrives at Starbucks, gets her coffee and sits on his lap.

"He's a fuckin idiot." She says calmly to the group. Kisses him again and leaves to go do her workout at the gym behind the coffee shop.

"Yeah yeah yeah...I'm a fuckin idiot...I know, I know" he says to her swatting her butt as she walks past him.

God speed Tony Romo.