Big Ed and the Men

"YER LATE!" Big Ed yells as I open the door to Starbucks.

Shit! I think. It's 6:05 AM. I usually get there about 5:45. The group gathers by 6 AM and if you are tardy you get stuck with sitting in a hard chair and declaring your reason for being late to the group.

"You're right. I'm sorry." I say.

"Well? What's up? Why you late?" Big Ed asks in his thick New York accent. He and the crew are transplants from New Jersey and NYC. They meet every morning for coffee before the first AA meeting of the day. Ed's been sober a long time and has sponsored most of the guys in the group.

"I had a date." I say. "He kept me out past 8 o'clock so I slept a little late."

"WHOA WHOA WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE!" Big Ed addresses the coffee-drinking men sitting in overstuffed chairs.

"Ya hear that fellas? Sister had a date and didn't have him meet us? What the fuck is up with that? You go out with some BOZO and we don't get to meet him, then you come late for coffee? I ain't got a good feeling 'bout this." Big Ed continues in playful rage.

I hang my head in mock shame and say, "I tried Ed. I tried to get him here early but he wouldn't do it. He said it was too early for him."

"See? I'm right fellas! I don't got a good feeling." Ed confirms.

I nod in agreement. He might be right.

"Well? How'd it go? We're waiting." he presses.

"I think it went well. It was good." I say. "He told me within the first half-hour that he was married, he has a girlfriend and he mentioned someone else he's seeing." I said joyfully.

"OH MY GOD!"
" YA GOTTA BE KIDDING!"
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
"I'm gonna take him out!"
"You believe this guy?"
"She needs a real man that's what she needs."
"That aint no real man!"

This news sets a flurry of outrage from Big Ed and the Men. I've seen them do this many times. When Big Ed and the Men get fired up on a topic, they can yammer on for a while so I seize the opportunity to put my things down and order my coffee and laugh with the Starbucks Baristas listening to them.

"What?!" says Quiet Nick? "Who was dis guy?"

"Ya gotta be kidding me!" says Chandler.

"You believe this guy? Want me to take him out?" says Boston Mike.

"You need a real man, sister. Get over here and talk to me. I'll set you up. Don't you worry 'bout nothing." says Larry the Harley mechanic.

The room is a buzz. I straighten my skirt as I seat myself and fish out my laptop.

"That's it!" Big Ed declares and silence fills the room.

"No more dating for you without these guys going through us sister. You got it?" Big Ed says with sincerity.

"I got it Ed. Thank you." I say.

Got it? I love it!

Testosterone. How I've missed you!