Into the Wilderness

I got into the woods over the long weekend and it was so good for my soul. There is nothing like the Pacific Northwest and its hundreds of shades of green to calm the inner dialogue and thoughts of this and that. In my head I have lots of questions...Where do I go? What do I do? Why aren't I writing more? Do I really want to wear this shirt? When the hell will it warm-up? Those are the kinds of thoughts that pollute my mind on a daily basis. It is as self-destructive as having an over-inflated ego.

My latests studies with the Shaman have been on quieting my over-active and overly self-critical mind so I can hear God again. Not an easy task even for the experienced meditator. I'm grateful for the thirty plus years of meditation I have under my belt and if it were not for it I am sure the tedious questions my mind produces would surely push me over the edge. The Shaman works with a different meditation format than what I was taught with Transcendental Meditation. His approach is quite visual and a bit "new agey" which brings a lot of judgment on my end, so keeping my inner dialogue in check is a practice in compassion. I also believe that any judgment I have towards others is simply something or a trait that I don't want to look at in myself, so keeping that in line is critical.

Also, I come from highly critical people. My mother, for instance, is the biggest critic in the world. She has opinions about everything and for the longest time I took all her criticism personally...probably because it was directed at me...personally. I've always thought that her ideal job would be working for the CIA (not the Culinary Institute of America, but the other one) and having her interrogate terrorists...she'd be great at it and she would be serving the country. But now, I'm thinking a better job for her would be in the AA community....

Here's my latest idea for a new AA meeting step 2

NOTE: You must complete the first new AA meeting concept in an parallel universe first which I will review for those of you who may have forgotten:

INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO HOLD AN AA MEETING IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE YOU NEED THE FOLLOWING:

1 TABLE
1 CHAIR
1 BOTTLE OF VODKA
1 SHOT GLASS
1 ALCOHOLIC
1 TIMER

Recipe for meeting:
Walk into the room
Approach the table
Pull out the chair
Sit down in the chair
Scoot forward to the table
Open vodka bottle
Pour

NOTE: you may pour as little or as much as you require, so pour wisely. You may need only 1 drop of vodka...you may need the case that is in the back of the room that I didn't even tell you that is here, but if you need it, I got more vodka...okay? So take only what you need....think about that...

Set Timer for _______________ amount of time

NOTE: start with the least amount of time and increase as needed up to infinity...but I recommend stopping at 1 hour since that's how long these meetings usually last.

Use only as much time as you need...consider that...

Now ask yourself...how long did that take? Are you at the meeting? Did you open the bottle? Were you able to sit down?

Monitor your progress.
Take notes
Celebrate your success with your community
Notice how far you've come

Does it matter if you took a sip or drank a bottle?


Okay....let's say you have been able to sit at the table and are able to celebrate your progress. Now let's make it interesting.

NEW AA MEETING CONCEPT II

Same as above except add one Sylvia Silberman. Ask her what she thinks about your hair (or any other part of your being) and see what unfolds.

Really, she is tough. But I am recognizing how I have taught myself to be as self-critical and hard on myself, taking over for my mother but using my own voice. Some of the work I do daily is listening to this inner voice and asking it if it is my own and is it necessary. We all have inner critics but who did we learn it from and what good does it do? I can see the good in an objective critic at times for instance, when I am learning a new jazz chart or a new piece of music, the critic is helpful with fixing mistakes or interpretations of what I am playing, but I tend to let the critic to get the best of me. When I am quiet in my head and performing, I am a better piano player. It is hard work for me to turn off the critic.

Echart Tolle talks about identification with thought and I've been reading his works again to help me overcome this hostage situation from my thoughts. Yes. I feel that I become hostage to my thoughts, inner fears, criticism and such...especially since I am not working now. That has been a hot topic for my critic because now I have a lot of space and the critic has nothing to criticize except my not working. Tolle says that to overcome this habit, one must become the observer and witness when and how these thoughts occur and then to simply allow them to be.,..not become overwhelmed by the thoughts, but create space for them.

I've visited with an old friend named Eiric who was voted as Seattle's angriest server 9 years running. Well, he wasn't really voted that, only by his co-workers...he didn't get a plaque or anything, but he really was the angriest person who worked at the restaurant and who can blame him? We worked at Cafe Flora which was/is a vegetarian restaurant and attracted the highest maintenance customers in the city. Eiric was an exceptional server, tall, strong, handsome and could carry all the tables in the restaurant if that were required of him. His drive was cash and that's healthy in the restaurant business. But the needs of the customers was a hundred times higher than in a regular restaurant. Most of the tables had special diets and required the wait staff to request many special instructions with each order. When you have a full section on a busy night, the last thing that you need (as a server) is to see if the Portabello Wellington can be made without garlic and wheat and can the side of mashed potatoes be substituted with mashed cauliflower even though it isn't on the menu but it is a part of a special cleanse the customer is doing? Doesn't the chef have time to make that? You have cauliflower in the restaurant, right? So why won't they make it? Seriously, the customers at that restaurant required a lot of hand holding and you needed a lot of focus and patience...traits that Eiric did not possess at the time.



I hadn't seen him in a good ten years since I left Seattle and he has since transformed into the most beautiful, kind, loving yoga teacher I've ever seen. He has an inner light that radiates and shines through every cell in his body...he vibrates love. Seeing his transformation was shocking and beautiful. I asked him how he was able to change into a completely different person. He said after he got fired from serving, he started doing a daily meditation that completely accepted everything that came his way and he stayed in gratitude of it. Here's the meditation:

Inhale and say to yourself YES
Exhale and say to yourself THANK YOU

This is a meditation of completely surrendering to what is and accepting it with gratitude. Sounds crazy and it is quite transformational. I've tried it and it shifts the energy. I have not yet tried it with my mother in the room and a bottle of vodka in front of me, but as I have mentioned before...I'm not an alcoholic. Now a pack of cigarettes? Well....I don't know but I bet I'd do okay. I've come too far to start smoking today.

What I realized from being in the woods is that it doesn't matter if I am surrounded by nature or in the city. My real work is the inner work that happens inside the brain and how I identify or decide who I am. My learning to not identify with the inner critic is a good, hard lesson. Accepting myself as I am and accepting that I am already perfect...no matter what shape I am in, no matter what I eat, no matter if I am dating or if I am doing anything...complete self-acceptance at this moment is the lesson.

The more I am able to love myself, the more love I have for those around me.

So I send you so much love,
All the way from over here,
Linda