It is June

It is June 5th, 2008 and it is 48 degrees and raining in Seattle...

Linda, this is your consciousness speaking. Remember this moment. Remember how cold you are. Remember that you are not programed to stay inside under covers longing to be warm all day. Remember that you are inspired by the sun...not gray skies. Remember that it is not necessary to see your own breath in "summer".

Dear God,

I know...long time since we wrote. But you know what I've been doing and what's been going on. Thanks for last night. I really appreciated your help with winning those big hands at the poker tournament. I learned my lesson well by not listening to you and responding out of fear during that last betting round of Texas Holdem. Next time I will listen to you and when I've already put $2400 in the pot, I'll play the last card instead of chickening out. Golly, that was an expensive lesson.

You know God, I've been thinking a lot about leaving Seattle but the inner work that has been going on with the Hakomi Therapist is so helpful and I can really see the progress. Today I do not retch at the thought of returning to work...but it still is not time. And I know that I have free will and at any moment I can pack a bag and leave Seattle. Thank you for the reminder.

God, I'd like to speak about the books that you've been brining to my attention. I've been reading three books at once...an old Seattle habit that I'd given up and have now picked up again: 2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl by Daniel Pinchbeck, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, and I was Carlos Castaneda by Martin Goodman. I notice that there is a reoccurring theme going through all these books that is listening to the inner voice that speaks to us; the 'god' voice that is within and living by it. Essentially it is releasing all the control that I have created over my life and allowing God to come in and follow that higher consciousness. It makes sense too since no one has any real control over their lives. What have bumper stickers taught me? Shit Happens.

Echart Tolle talks about it. He writes about being in the observer mode, not having any attachment to your thoughts and especially not having any attachment to the identity that is created through the "I" and "me" stories. Having that awareness it is easy for me to witness this behavior in others now as it was my behavior in the past. For instance, I was playing in a poker tournament last night with 22 other people...mostly hipsters, very chic and cool musicians, artists, lawyers, programmers and other downtown types. I felt intimidated since I hadn't played poker in a couple of years and while my old poker friends were kinda cut throat, we didn't play in this style. There was a buy-in and the ante doubled every 30 minutes so by 7:30 PM it cost $400 just to play a hand. It cost $10 to buy-in chips so the hundreds and thousands of dollars in chips that we played with were fictional but the chip winner wins the pot and if you arrived at the game after 6:30, you had to pay more to play. The winning bag of money was over $300. For some of these artists, it is the only way for them to get money to buy paint with..nobody's buying art these days.

During the game I noticed that a couple of the guys (and it was mostly men...me and two other women) really took losing hard and I thought that a couple of the guys might fight but the host wouldn't let that happen. He kept everyone cool, but I could see this one guy who seemed trapped at a teenage age...that was what made me think about the Hakomi stuff. He appeared hijacked or triggered by something that happened a long time ago and he was responding the same way, as a teenager.

That's the work I'm doing. It is helping me move forward in adulthood and it is making me younger and younger in spirit.

In the Hakomi practice, it is also about being in mindfulness and not attaching the sense of self with what emotion is presenting itself. The therapy teaches to stay in the moment, especially those uncomfortable moments, and ask the emotion what they have to teach us...be it anger, boredom, sadness, happiness...whatever emotion that has come up; stay with it. What happens is that the emotion shifts into something else.

Hakomi also focuses on feeling hijacked by your emotions and looking at them for insight and wisdom on what there is to learn from the past. It is going in deep within the emotion and asking it questions...staying as an observer and allowing growth to come through. There is an element that feels like self-hypnosis and it takes courage to look at the situations in the past to witness where a fear or belief system was created and then accepting it and reprogramming yourself.

I don't think Oprah will have this stuff on her show anytime soon...but it is in the same family of Echart Tolle. Learning to stay unattached to the emotions. Really good stuff.

Dr. Paul's Evolutionary Healing Institute in Miami and The Hakomi methods are very similar in the ways that they are both designed to stay in that uncomfortable position (Dr. Paul's is in the physical form, Hakomi in the emotional) and see what happens that moment when it shifts...notice what happens to the body...notice what happens to the emotion. I accept this time and space and the physical challenges as well as the emotional ones and I thank the universe for the opportunity to learn from it.

My whole issue has been my sense of self is completely absorbed in my work life leaving no real room for other people or emotions. At a young age I learned that I had to take care of myself and to do it happened through hard work so I pushed and pushed myself in a highly competitive business and identified the "who I am" with this work persona. When my world fell apart and I was given the chance to release this idea of who I am, I went into a tail-spin and having the time and quiet space to release, relax and renew has been one of the most terrifying experiences in my life and I've done some pretty scary stuff.

God, today I ask you to remind me to stay focused on today...on this moment of quiet and cold and to move through the tension of resistance to what is. It is cold. I am here of my own free will so I will accept these conditions and embrace the freezing rain on my face as I move through this world in search of warm beverages.

I stay in gratitude for having the time to blog, a roof over my head, loving sisters and sweet animal friends all around to support this journey. Ashey. Namaste.

So much love,
All the way over here....
Linda