Birthday

Today is my birthday.

It has been quite the year so far...at least leading up to today. I had no idea on my birthday last year that my life would change so dramatically, so quickly from where it was...I thought I had everything that I wanted or needed last year this time, albeit there were a lot of issues happening.

The good news is that the drama is gone. My new life in New York is unfolding before my eyes. I am working at creating stability and a daily routine...but what I have found most important is that I cannot think ahead into the future...I mean, I can make plans for meeting a group of women tonight who want to start an artist collective and sharing loft/living space in Greenwich Village. That I can do. But think ahead about what I am actually doing here, why I am here, what am I going to do with all this time and who the hell am I anymore and my head starts to explode.

Byron Katie says something about that. She says (and I am paraphrasing) that she likes to witness the stories her mind tells her about herself and then not believe them. That includes the big ego part and in my case, the little ego that doesn't believe she can do anything.

It is funny to me at how both egos have so much power over us. I've seen both cases and neither one is good. I've witnessed the over-inflated ego that is so self-centered and self-involved that it believes no one around him can do as good a job. I've lived the tiny ego that believes she is worthless and cannot contribute, has no skills and is generally unworthy. Both are equally deadly.

The Little Me, as Echart Tolle calls it, and the stories it tells itself are quite compelling and rather believable. The Little Me is in hungry for any sort of ego-fuel be it over consumption or under-nourishment. My lesson is to keep it properly fed and in check, not allowing either parts to take control over my thought process or abilities.

I have felt unable to write for a variety of excuses but the reality is that I've felt the Little Me feeling meek in this big city. But I have felt that same feeling everywhere I've lived from Delray Beach Florida to Elko Nevada...Seattle, New York...it is all the same. No matter where I go, there I am.

My personal birthday wish for myself today (and feel free to use this yourself) is to stay present. Pay attention to when my mind captures its thoughts and drifts into low self-esteem land and bring it right back to this moment.

For this is all we have. Right here. Right now. Everything else has already happened or will happen later.

Thank you for sharing my birthday with me.

Now I am off to find a cupcake.

So much love,
All the way from over here....
Linda