Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Naked Guy Part I

he human male A.K.A. Homus Erectus A.K.A Facinationus Withus Peni

We really are two different creatures; the male and the female Different species actually. Zacharia Sitchin says that the gods (females) mated with the beasts (male) and created a new species. What other explanation can there be for the vast differences between the two? A hybrid. That makes sense to me.

I responded to a house-sitting ad for a businessman who travels a lot. He has a lovely home and needs a responsible, trustworthy person to protect his property and live in his space while he is out of town 22 days a month. Rent free, close to the beach, and my kitties can have a home too.

It sounded great so I called right away. On the phone he told me he was a naturist.

"Do you know what that means?" he asked.

"You like to be nude all the time? You're a nudist?" I replied.

"Yes, but we prefer naturist. Are you open to that?" he asked.

"Sure, as long as it is not required of me."

"No, only acceptance." he said.

"Yes, I'm open. Let's see what happens." I said.

We made arrangements to meet later in the day and I thought about the possibility of living with a naked guy. I'm pretty adventuress and open to all sorts of new things so why not? I need a place to live and if this guy is really gone 22 days a month and if he has a great house...maybe I could live with a naked guy. Heck...I'm out a lot and go to bed early...I got my life and who knows? Why judge before meeting him?

Besides now I really wanted to see this guy. What does a Naturist look like? And what's the problem with being a nudist? Does he have fabric covered furniture? Do his kids go around naked (he has them on the weekends) or should I ask, do his kids go around naturally? Naturistic? Au Natural? Nekid?

The word Nudist has a negative social connotations just like the way midget  does. What does the word nudist imply?

Freaky sex?

That's all I got.

Honestly though, I don't believe the word nudist has as much violence associated with it as midget.  I've met several little people and have asked about the word midget. One woman told me the word is offensive because of the public humiliation and cruelty associated with being judged based on the appearance only. I can understand that perspective and it is easy for me to eliminate midget from my vocabulary.

Personally, being gigantic compared to the average-sized woman, I find the words little more offensive. When I am called big it is an insult. Yet I have come to accept my size. Words don't hurt me unless if they are delivered with an Italian evil-eyed hex.

Can I live with a naturist?

I decided to take the risk and meet him at his house. I fantasized about all the money I’d save, and living in a multimillion dollar mansion on the ocean in South Florida.

As I drove over there I prayed to God in gratitude for guiding me to this possibility and asked for guidance.

"God," I asked, "what if he is naked when I arrive?"

God said, "Be cool, baby. Don't look down. Be cool, be cool.”

"Good advice God, thanks!" I prayed back. I get such great support from God.

His house is closer to Miami and was hard to find. The gates opened as I drove in and he said he needed a moment to get to the door so I waited at the door and noticed the lovely landscaping, privacy, and location. Private paradise.

He answered the door nude. This was good. I gotta see the goods before I sign-on, know what I mean. What if I found him repulsive? I couldn't live with a naked guy who I thought was disgusting, unclean, or a freak.

How does the average American prepare to meet a Naturist for the first time? Do we teach our children this in school? No. I'm sure there is a "Naturist for Dummies" book out there, but I didn't have that kind of time. What has been my greatest teacher my whole life?


Television is the ultimate teacher...especially cartoons. TV has taught me so many great things like how to cook, how to wrap presents, how to read (Easy Reader on the Electric Company was quite helpful to me before he learned how to read scripts and move into films like Shawshank Redemption.)...Television has been my favorite teacher.

God spoke again to me, “Remember what TV has taught you...TV has all the answers.”

At that moment, I remembered an episode of Family Guy about a nudist family. Meg, a low self-esteemed teen, started dating the son in a nudist family. Naturally, Peter responded poorly and used the words like nipple and bush throughout the episode in uncomfortable situations and the awkward silences and ball jokes were fast coming. What did I learn? Don't be like Peter Griffin. That's good advice for everyday.

Here's my mental note:

If I ever meet a nudist, keep eye-contact and be sure to behave as if they were dressed. It is just a lifestyle choice. Nothing more. We're born nude, we die nude. Ashes to ashes dust to dust.

And that is exactly what I did.

He greeted me at the door nude and I didn't look down at his package. I was checking out the cathedral ceilings, the piano, the huge kitchen, the adorable puppy and kitty, the huge Florida room, the master bedroom suite (which I could have he said) or the twin-room suite (also I could have that room if I preferred it he said), the 4 car garage and on and on and on.

22 days a month gone.

Can I live with a naturist?

He had kind eyes and was gentle. He seemed nervous as I imagine anyone is meeting people for the first time, let alone nude. I admired his courage. Plus he had a cute little ass. He's kind-of a little guy compared to me but not repulsive and quite frankly I didn't care that he was naked at all.

To be continued...

Naked Guy Part II

As we toured the home, I could tell he was nervous by his body language. He kept hugging his tummy. I thought to myself that it takes a lot of courage for anyone to meet someone new, let alone naked. The Naked Guy didn't know what to do with his hands.

No pockets.

Poor Naked guy.

To make him feel more comfortable I picked up pictures of his children and asked some questions.

"She's so beautiful. What's her name?" I asked.

"Carmen" he said. "She's ten."

"Such a great age. And the boy?"

"Lucas. He's 8 and a joy." he boasted.

"So do they visit often?" I asked.

"Every weekend but I fly them to wherever I am and we're visit everywhere in the world. They love it!" He said.

What's this? A good father? A nurturing man too? Get out! Someone who wants to connect with his children and is committed to showing the kids the world? How does he do that I wondered.

"What is it exactly that you do?" I asked.

"Venture capitalist." he said shifting his attention away from my eyes and towards the sunset overlooking the lake.

Here we go I thought. Now we're getting to the reality of it all...Venture Capitalist...yeah right buddy. I know what they do! My enthusiasm for the house fades and skepticism sets in.

In South Florida Venture Capitalist is code word for "Drug Dealer". I've been to a lot of singles events and whenever some guy tells me he's a Venture Capitalist and I ask what that means they can't articulate what the job is. This is a red flag for me. Now I'm thinking he's got some boat that disappears to Ecuador or Columbia to get the goods to keep the east coast hopped up on coke. I am surprised that the cocaine community is still in fashion. That seems so 1985 to me...but so it is. In south Florida, and probably everywhere else, people are still doing coke.

I prodded, "So what exactly does a venture capitalist do?"

"I find money for companies that are going public" he said plainly.

Impressive. He knew the actual definition of what a venture capitalist does! Having lived in Seattle for 17 years and living through the dawn of the computer age with so many software companies being started and absorbed by Microsoft, I know that is what venture capitalists do. I really want to live here!

I took a moment to gather my thoughts and take note of what was happening. Here is an incredible home, 2 great animals, kids that might visit but were cute and I work and can deal with kids, Florida room, pool, piano, water delivery service, maid, 4 car garage, I can bring my cats, and on and on and on....

Fuck yeah! I gotta get this gig! My mind can I snag this gig?

"Sell yourself baby!" I hear in my head. Make him want to have you in his home! The only thing this house was missing was the warmth of a woman. It was missing great smells, warm feelings, the feminine energy.

Very coolly I ask if I can play his piano as I started to seat myself. He gestures towards the bench and I sat and played "Ruby My Dear' in the style of Thelonious Monk. What man can resist a woman who can sing and play incredible jazz? I like to think of myself as the brunette version of Diana Krall...she's so lucky to snag Elvis Costello. I've played the piano since the age of 3 and started studying jazz 20 years ago so I can hold my own. I played with great feeling and expression and he smiled during the tune.

He was impressed. His daughter plays piano he says. I see him loosening up. His arms stop hugging his belly and he shifts to arms akimbo. A good sign. That is a confident stance. Good. Good. This is very good. A man should feel comfortable in his own home.

I finish the tune and get up moving into the kitchen. Surveying the Italian marble counter tops and Wolf stove, refrigerator, stack ovens I say, "You know, I'm a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America and quite an accomplished chef. Do you mind if I use the kitchen a lot?"

"Oh, I never use the kitchen. It'd be nice to have someone cooking." he said.

Good work Linda! That degree from the CIA was the best 40 grand I ever spent!

"So, how many people have responded to your ad?" I asked.

"You're the first." He said.

Excellent! I saw my future unfolding. Beautiful home, close to the beach, close to is all going to work.

He asked me, "Do you have a lot of girlfriends down here?"

I say, "Some, sure. I really should have more friends for the 3 years that I've been here but I've put a lot of energy into my work and I'm hoping to make more friends soon."

"So will you have them over?" he asks.

A fair questions I thought.

"Only if you don't mind." I say. I had invited my sister for a visit earlier in the day and wondered how she'd do when Naked Guy was home, but the amenities were so great and she hasn't been laid in a while...maybe she'd like to see a naked man. Who knows?

"I'll have to tell them that you're a naturist before they come over and if they don't feel comfortable, the they might not visit." I added.

He nodded in understanding.

He said, "Well, I need to get ready to leave in the morning and I'll call you when I return from my next trip which should be in about 8 or 9 days."

"Great!" This really was perfect for me. I had time to process the change and get rid of the rest of my stuff. If all goes well, I could be moved in by February 1st. It was all working out perfectly.

He escorts me to the door and we shake hands. I touch the pooches head and tell her that I hope we can be the best of friends. As I exit he opens the gate and I wave goodbye.

Fantastic! I am as high as a kite on the 15 mile drive north back to my home. I think: Close to Miami. Piano. Wolf kitchen equipment! Good manifestation Linda! Thank you god, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you I think over and over on the ride back.

Wow. How did I get so lucky?

I call Karen (my bestest of friends and an incredible soul-sister )and tell her all about my experience and we celebrate on the phone. Once home as we're jabberjawing away about this and that, I receive a text message from the Naked Guy.

I tell Karen, "Hold on, I gotta read this! Maybe he's offering me the house? Hold on!"

The text says: I find you very attractive did u notice my lball?

I get Karen back and tell her.

Neither of us are very experienced in text messaging. Its not what my friends and I do so there are a lot of shortcuts that I don't understand.

I ask Karen, "What does lball mean?"

She says, "Maybe it's short for eyeballing you? Checking you out?"

"Maybe..." I say. "What should I do?"

She said, "Text him back that your flattered. You're flattered right?"

"Well yeah!" I say.

"Did you find him attractive?" she asks.

"Not really, he was cute but short. He had really kind eyes." I say.

Most men are much shorter than me. I'm 6 feet tall and prefer a man my height or taller. It's just a physical thing, but I have certainly dated many, many men shorter than me and I'm not so shallow to keep something like height or age from dating a guy. It's just that I prefer a taller man. That's all.

We end our call so I could think about what to do. What kind of message should I send back? What to say? What to say....

To be continued...

Naked Guy Part III

When is text messaging appropriate?

If you are deaf, anytime.

I can understand the usefulness of text messaging especially when you want to tell your sweetie that you love them or you're gonna be a few minutes late, or what time you need to be picked up from the mall (kids to parents), or if you need to send someone a quick note. Texting can be fun.

I've done some texting but not in the way most of America is using this form of communication. I have done my share of chatting online, which is kind of the same thing as texting, but a lot less expensive. To be fast at chatting online or texting, there are lists of shortcuts that have become common knowledge like LOL (laugh out loud), OMG (oh my god), WFT (what the fuck). These codes have moved over to the texting world and I understand these shortcuts. So I did a search on Google and found no shortcut for Iball.

I texted naked guy back:

"I'm flattered. Thank you! I appreciate your courage. What is Iball?"

It takes a lot of courage for someone to tell a stranger that you're attracted to them and I need that kind of attention. The last guy I fell for couldn't even tell me that he had a girlfriend so I didn't want to stop his honest communication. It's important to me no matter what kind of friendship we have be it roommate or housesitter that there be honesty.

Naked Guy texts back immediately:

"One ball."

Ah ha! The text wasn't Iball, it was 1 ball.

Now I want clarity, so I text back:

"You lost a testicle?"

Naked Guy writes"

"Yes. I want you to know everything. Would u like to see? I can email to u if u like. Do you have yahoo?"

So he wants me to know everything before he offers me the housesitting gig. Okay, that's cool with me. I'm down with that. Let's get real I think. Let's share our pain.

I text back:

"Sure, send it." I add my email address.

I'm thinking he wants to send me a story about his loss and before I receive any email I generate a story about Naked Guy and it goes like this: Naked Guy had cancer. His wife left him. He lost his job. He looses a testicle, had some sort of epiphany about life and he becomes a naturist to reconnect with his new body. He throws himself into his work to make lots of money and directs his energy on traveling and developing this awesome relationship with his children.

I like this story. It makes sense to me.

Disease and life-threating illness changes a person's perspective. I too have had my own experiences that have transformed my perspective on life. For example, I was misdiagnosed for years while I had Hashimoto's disease that caused me to gain 150 pounds which I have now lost. When illness changes your body, it is takes time to accept the new form.

For me, I still have difficulty sometimes looking in a mirror and seeing the "new" me 150 pounds lighter. The mind creates a vision of ourself and hangs on to it. We need other people to reflect the beauty we possess in our new bodies. At least, I do.

Perhaps Naked Guy was attracted to me because I didn't even look at his loins. I behaved as if he were dressed and frankly I didn't care that he was naked. I accepted Naked Guy as he was and that's attractive in any relationship be it friendship, relatives or lovers.

Then I drifted into fantasy land. What if I've met my partner? A Venture Capitalist who travels the world and has great relationships with his kids and I make a beautiful home and travel with him and his one ball?

He texts me again while I'm off in my fantasy:

"If I send the video when will you watch it? Tonight? Now?"


He has a video about his ball?


What were the words I first thought of when I heard the word Naturist?

Freaky sex.

Okay. Thank you god. Yes, again you were right again. This guy is not just a naked freak but a one-balled-freak.

"Dearest God," I pray. "Please direct my beautiful fingers to the right tiny keys on my cell phone to compose the most perfect text message back to Naked Guy. Please God, may it be free from hate and misspellings. Your ever-loving servant, Ashey Nameste."

I sit in quiet contemplation for a long time.

I reflect on our visit earlier in the evening and the questions I didn't ask. I didn't ask him about his lifestyle choice. I didn't ask him how long he'd been a naturist. I didn't ask if his children are nude when they visit. I didn't ask any personal questions at all! And if we were going to live together, didn't I at least owe that to myself?

Naked Guy texts me again:

"If I send to you, will you share with your girlfriends in So. Fla?"

Men. So fascinating. Men like to go fishing. They like to hunt. They like the chase. I am a Leo woman. In the lion kingdom the feline females are the huntresses and the male watches (voyeurs that most males are) and wait until the kill has happened before moving in and feasting on the fruits of the female labors.

I too have a stalking-hunting side all of which I am too aware of and like most women there is a tiny part of myself that wants justice when tricked or sold false dreams under the guises of stability. I've seen this time and time again, especially in Boca Raton. The women there are cruel to the point of destruction for "teaching him a lesson."

That is not my style, but I do think to myself, "I'm on to you freaky little Naked Guy!"

"How many people would you like to see it?" I text back.

Shooting fish in a barrel.

"All your friends in south fla but as many as you like." He texts back.

I text him:

"I'm only online in the morning since I don't have internet at home so I won't see it until morning."

He texts me back so fast:

"Isn't there someway you can go online now?"

Sheish! I wonder how long he can keep the erection he has going and how long I want to play this game.

"Sorry, not until morning, but go ahead and send it and I promise to watch it first thing in the morning at Starbucks."

See, I think this will be good! Watching this one-ball video with my venti coffee at 5:30 AM with all my Starbucks pals! What a treat! I'll be sure to let all of the women of south Florida not only watch it via email but heck, if it's good, I'll even take it on the road!

I receive no text messages from Naked Guy for about an hour. My thoughts drift to Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong. He's such a hottie and so accomplished...Tour de France winner how many times? So fit. So into the physical. And the beautiful Sheryl talented. Their break-up was so sudden in my eyes. Of course I'm not a personal friend but I did wonder for a long time why did they break up? What happend?

I wondered what kind of video Lance Armstrong made about his testicle.

Naked Guy texts me once more:

"Are you sure you can't go online right now?"

By now I'm tired. It's nearly 11 PM and I get up super early to write at liker 4:30 AM. Enough is enough.

I text back:

"I can understand cancer. I can understand loosing a testicle. I can accept life-threatening illnesses but it takes 2 to play. I am interested in housesitting and friendship. If you are looking for something else, perhaps you should place another kind of ad. If you honestly need help with your home I am still open to that idea."

I know, a lot of words for a text but I really wanted to get it all out. Plus, there is no bigger turn off than a reality check for anyone who is off in fantasy land.

I turn my phone off and go to bed. In the morning I check my email and sadly there is no video from Naked Guy. A part of me is really disappointed. I wanted to see the one-ball video. And if I had it, I'd share it here.

I sent Naked Guy one last email that said I was willing to accept his one ball and that I was still interested in housesitting for him. I listed all the things I could offer for his home that I noticed and that I was not uncomfortable developing a friendship with him. I told him my story about illness and I was honest and open in my email.

I've heard nothing from Naked Guy. He did tell me he was traveling so I thought perhaps he was out of the country and didn't have email.

This morning I did a search for housesitter on and all of his postings came up! In fact, as early as this morning he had reposted the housesitting position!

Should I post the link here? I mean, maybe I'm not the perfect housesitter for him. Perhaps it is a prerequisite to watch the video before becoming his housesitter...I don't know. What I do know is that there are a lot of women in South Florida who are missing out on a potentially awesome video about a naked venture capitalists with one ball.

So ladies, if you get the video, please email it to me at:

And I am back to where I started. I've considered changing my opinion about the word Nudist but I can't after this encounter. Perhaps if I meet a midget nudist they could convince me.

So much love,
All the way from over here...